I wanted my contributions to this blog to be somewhat professional.  After all, we’re CTworkingmoms.  But being the hormonal mess that I am, that’s all gone to crap, it seems.

Some explanation is in order.  I am getting bloodwork done this week that will hopefully confirm whether I have hypothyroidism, a condition that causes depression, mood swings, weight gain, and a host of other symptoms.  At first, I was hoping not to have this health problem, and that whatever’s wrong with me can be fixed with some minor lifestyle changes.  But now, I feel like the crazy has reached new heights.  If my thyroid turns out to be fine, I don’t know what I’m going to do, because then I won’t have an explanation and I’ll be back at square one trying to fix what’s wrong with me.

I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time.  Not all the time.  The rest of the time, I’m just numb.  I miss the normal, friendly person I used to be.  There’s a trace of that person left, but it’s being overshadowed by whatever this new persona is.  I’m moody and sensitive about EVERYTHING.  I can’t even take a weird look from a person in the grocery store, which probably has absolutely nothing to do with me, without bursting out in tears.

A few of you have suggested recently that this is all “normal” and a part of being pregnant again as well as the stress of raising a toddler, work, family, etc.  Maybe you’re right.  But, is that really a good thing?  If this is “normal” then what is there to look forward to in life?  A life that is depressing and bleak and bitter, but at least it’s “normal”?

I would get help, but I can’t bring myself to make that call.  I’m scared of what might happen next.

I was always critical of people for being wrapped up in their problems and unable to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and just “get over it.”  I didn’t even believe most people who said they were depressed unless they had a clinical diagnosis and the prescriptions to prove it.  My god, if this is punishment for having felt that way, I am SO SO SORRY and I take it back.  No one should have to feel this way.

I live on a beautiful street with great neighbors in a lovely Connecticut town.  I love sitting in Mackenzie’s nursery and looking out at the trees, the houses, people’s pets.  But the joy is short-lived, because then it flashes through my mind that life could be completely meaningless and that all this beauty is a fleeting illusion.  I was going to end this post right here on a dark note.  Having re-written it about six times in the past ten minutes, I think instead I’ll try harder to be positive.  Maybe it IS meaningless, but I guess it’s still possible to find or invent some meaning if it makes the day a little easier to get through.

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