Asking for help

Apr 2, 2012 by

Last night my husband had a conversation with me about my issues of asking for help. It went something like this..

H: ” So I signed up for a flag football on Sundays and wanted to check to make sure our schedules were ok”

Me: ” Yeah that works and it is actually great because then I can sign up for pottery or that zumba class that I want”

H: “Hun, you do realize it is not a tit for tat thing, you can sign up for that before or after me signing up for football. Now that I think of it, what is your problem!? You need to remember to do things for yourself.”

Me: “I know, I just don’t want to dump more on your plate, between work and school (my hubby is going back for a business degree)”

H: “You are not dumping anything, you do realize Max is my son too and it is not a problem.”

Me: “Well…”

H: “No, well! Will you stop not asking for anything, I am here in this too you know.”

Me: “I know”

But the question is do I really know? I think about it and I literally do not ask for much of anything. I work, and take care of a lot of Max duties and it is not because I do not think he can’t handle it. My husband is amazing with Max and I have left for days of a business trip and he did great.

I do not understand why I do not ask for more help or make more me time…RIGHT now my favorite time of the week is Sundays since my husband takes the morning shift with Max and I get to sleep in to 9 am. 

My husband is right where I almost wait for him to want to do something and I keep a list of his activities so then I can make a list of my own. What is my problem? I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for almost 5 and he has always been there the very few times I ask for help (I can think of maybe 3-4 times).

I feel like I can make a support group for working mothers who do not ask for help.

“My name is Katie and I never ask for help.”

The question is how many of you would be out there in my support group responding in unison “Hi Katie”

Sometimes I think it is my control issues then I also realize I have what we refer to extreme “catholic guilt” I feel bad about not making everyone else happy and most of the time I am not on that list. I am sometimes but not always. I find that keeping everyone else happy makes me happy.

So ladies how do we change this awful habit?

I am going to sign up for a class this week come hell or high water and make sure I take advantage of the fact that I am not alone in this. Do you feel like you do everything alone? What are you going to do for yourself this week! We need to unite and change this.

We deserve it.

We deserve it.

We deserve it.

Do you think if I keep repeating this mantra I might actually believe it one day?

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Katie is a 30 something sales woman who is juggling caring for her son Max, daughter Mabel, her marriage and her career. Katie has her masters in Molecular Biology and loves science but she loves talking more. She’s a woman from a large family so sarcasm, sharing and self-deprecation come easy to her. Katie’s husband is her complete opposite which helps alleviate her flaws and push her strengths to the limit. She love large crowds, good drinks, and long talks…but not always in that order. She plans to explore the many lives of herself as a working mother, wife and woman. She hopes readers can relate to her blogs or at least have a chuckle at her expense.

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  • Lady Googoogaga

    I do the same thing – I complain but then I don’t want to leave – it’s called Stockholm Syndrome…..

  • Michelle

    Whoa. I could have written this word-for-word.

    I am so with you Katie! I have a really hard time asking for help, even though my hubs is happy and willing to help. I don’t know why. Even when he says that I should go out by myself on the weekend I don’t because I feel guilty. And not because HE is making me feel guilty – because I’m doing it to myself.

  • amybow911

    It’s called the “But I’m the mom” syndrome:

    We need to remember that when dad’s watch the kids – they aren’t babysitting – they are parenting! Just like we are!

  • carlycorrigan

    I can definitely relate to the whole “tit for tat” feeling, although I am getting better! I would feel like I couldn’t make plans unless my husband had something going on that week/weekend as well so that it would be “fair.” Or, if I did make plans I would feel guilty!! Well, I’m finally getting over that (it only took about 2 years! lol) and I really believe that I need to take time for myself every now and then in order to be a better parent and wife. I come back from a girls night or whatever I end up doing feeling refreshed! We DESERVE to do something for ourselves that makes us HAPPY!! So you go sign up for that class you want to take girl!!!…and enjoy every second of it!

  • The Amazing Races

    I’m totally guilty of keeping score too and completely relate with your final question of “if you repeat the mantra will you eventually learn to believe it?”. I’m still trying to feel truth in the words but knowing what you need is half the battle, right?

    • Michelle

      I so hear you Kris-Ann. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said to me since having a baby, “This is not a competition, we are not keeping score.” And yet I can’t snap myself out of that kind of thought process.

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