I follow a lot of bloggers on Twitter who attended the Type-A Parent Conference last week. One of the attendees sent out this Tweet on Sunday:

Ellen Gerstein (@elleinthecity): I wish all new bloggers could hear this keynote. Blogging isn’t about swag or popularity, it’s about moving people w/your words. #typeacon

I totally agree with that sentiment. Blogging, for me, is about moving people with my words. It’s about making connections and helping readers relate to something I have gone through.

So, here it goes.  I had a miscarriage two weeks ago.

It’s my second one. I had one before Max was born that sent me into a tailspin and I truly believe the experience changed who I am as a person (and not for the better).  Having a miscarriage when you already have children is a whole different experience than having one before though. I’m talking about the “well, at least you know you can have children” school of thought. I don’t really take comfort in that fact even though it’s true. This whole experience just makes me wonder if I’m just not meant to have three kids.

As soon as the spotting began, I knew. It was exactly the same time as the last miscarriage…6 weeks. I felt this weird sense of anger, sadness…and relief. As I’ve indicated before, I am afraid to have another child  so even though I was elated when I saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test, I was also terrified. I didn’t know how I was going to handle three children, never mind if this baby ended up with special needs as well. So yes, even though we were trying to have another baby, a little part of me felt relief I guess, but that was fleeting.

After a few blood tests (and what felt like a million trips to the doctor and lots of time away from my office), my numbers looked good so I started to feel optimistic…and nauseous. I took that as a good sign since that didn’t happen the last time I miscarried. I spotted one additional time, then nothing so my doctor just decided to wait until my already scheduled 8 week appointment. During the few weeks between the blood test and my appointment though, I had this nagging feeling. What if I didn’t deserve another child? As any reader of this blog knows, I have trouble handling the two children I do have. Was bringing another one into the world really the right choice? We really wanted (want) to have a third child, but should logic overrule what the heart wants in this instance? Was this the universe’s way of telling me not to have another child?

Since my doctor’s appointment was scheduled for day 3 of my husband’s new job, I had to go alone. I was totally excited, happy, and anxious for the ultrasound. Even with the issues I’d been having, miscarriage didn’t even cross my mind. I was too busy thinking about how to tell my family I was expecting again. But about 2 seconds into it, I knew. No flickering heart. “This is not the way I like to meet new little ones” said the doctor.  I held it together for a few minutes, and then lost it. Full on sobbing…back into the doctor’s office, out through the lobby, then into the car. Full. On. Sobbing. I didn’t want t tell my husband over the phone, but what else what I supposed to do?

Again, my thoughts went back to wondering if this was a sign telling me I should not have another child. After over a week of waiting and sadness and keeping it together for my boys, but collapsing into bed in tears immediately after they were asleep I still hadn’t miscarried naturally. So I went in for a D&C and spent the rest of the day in bed watching three movies and reading. I gave myself that much time to mourn and mope and be sad then promised myself I would snap out of it for the sake of my family.

I still don’t know what I’ll do now. I’m really afraid to get pregnant again. I don’t know that I can go through this again, and I don’t know that having another baby is the right choice for our family. I’m afraid to have another child with more intense needs than a typical child.  I’m worried that the age difference between my boys and a new baby will be too large and they won’t be close or get along. I’m starting to wonder if I should just work on becoming a better parent to the two children I already have. Stay tuned.

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