Although there are countless books and blogs out there on how to be a mom, I wanted to share what I wish I had done before having my babies to make the adjustment a bit easier.  I hope it helps!


  1. Realize you’re not all that. Even if you studied babies in college (like I did) or became a teacher (like I did), realize that each baby who comes into this world is unique, and requires a whole new set of tools.
  2. Try on every wrap and carrier available to you. Borrow a baby from someone. Spend a couple of hours living life with baby in carrier or wrap. Can you put it on quickly while in a 100 degree parking lot so your toddler doesn’t melt while waiting in his car seat? Can you use a public restroom with it on without dragging parts of it on the nasty floor? Does it have a cover so your baby and his newest toys (your DD boobs) have a little privacy? How easily does vomit wash off of it? Can you carry baby in carrier and also drag tantrum-throwing toddler from the toy aisle to the car with one hand?
  3. Start standing up more. Even if you’ve gained 40 pounds and are 9 months pregnant and about to pop any day. Stand up. Put two 5 pound bags of sugar in draw string gym bag and walk around your house, preferably in circles, for 10 consecutive hours. Jiggle as your walk. Hum. Pat a rhythm on sacks of sugar. Keep an eye on your toddler.  Encourage him to climb the bookcase or tv stand, just to make sure you have practice retrieving him safely with one hand.
  4. Practice eating standing up. Kitchen countertops are best for anything that needs to be in a plate, bowl, or cup. I recommend putting plates, bowls, and cups in your attic, as they are really just unnecessary pains in the butt anyway. Buy food that comes in wrappers, or can be eaten raw. Stand and eat your Boost shake and NutriGrain  bar (I’ve also heard that you can enjoy uncooked sweet potatoes if you’re a “whole foods” girl)  at the counter, holding your sugar bags, and eat both in under a minute. Avoid donuts. They are choking hazards and don’t have enough nutrients.
  5. Put the bed you’ve had since middle school on Craigslist and invest in something bigger. A sensitive baby will need at least 5 square feet of wiggle room. And as he coughs up his milk, you’re going to want to have a dry place to lay available to you.
  6. Go to YouTube. Search for baby songs. Memorize them all.
  7.  Go to’s clearance page. Order as many low cut, bra-top cotton dresses as you can afford. These will be your sexy mama house coats. Your baby will have incredibly easy access to your jugs, and most of the dresses are less expensive than your average nursing tank.
  8. Don’t “nest” by organizing and cleaning everything you own. Instead, get rid of everything you own except for necessities. Throw the remaining necessities around your house. Literally. Throw them. Leave them where they land and practice dancing around them… carrying your sugar, of course. Don’t plan on picking them up for a couple more years. As a special treat for yourself, spill your $4.00 a half gallon organic milk on your toddler’s carpet, and then dump out a laundry basket full of clean clothes on top. Leave it there, with the air conditioner off. Act surprised when you discover the putrid smell a few days later. Scrub the carpet, with your weak arm, since your strong arm is still holding your bag of sugar.
  9. Put a clothespin on your nipple every 2-3 hours, for 20-30 minutes at a time.
  10.   Get rid of everything in your freezer. You will need space for storing your pumped milk. You will also need space for buckets of pre-made, frozen margarita mixes. Have your partner buy you a few dozen of these. Just like the squeezable apple sauces, these margaritas can be slurped straight from the pouch!


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