I go back to work on Monday, and I’m still trying to lose the baby weight (um, from my first kid … born two years ago), and as a result I ordered a couple new suits and a black skirt to go with a black jacket I already have.  Don’t ask me why I have the jacket and not the skirt … black jackets and black heels are two items of clothing that I tend to hoard in my attempt to find the perfect fit.  Two pregnancies and constant lactation have rendered my usual efforts even more pathethic than usual.

So here we are, and instead of posting my very serious blog contribution about the legal status of homebirth, I have instead taken a break to unpack the Macy’s box that arrived at my door today and try on my new clothes; hence this post on my new clothes instead.  Clearly I have my priorities in order: the kids are both napping, there are piles of laundry sitting around the house that need be folded, I have somewhere to be in an hour and I have been working on the homebirth post for literally days now, because every time I try to finish it someone is barfing or crying.  And even when my husband ISN’T home, one of the kids may barf or cry instead.

I thought the black pencil skirt would match the jacket nicely (same line after all) and be a classic look for the office.  Here’s the problem:  It’s short.  And tight.  Tight as in, “Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile popped into my head when I zipped it up and looked at myself in the full-length mirror.  To complete the effect, I added my new snakeskin open-toed heels to the stretchy hot pink faux wrap shirt I was already wearing.  I almost laughed out loud, not only because it struck me that I probably resembled the “hoodie rat” referenced by Juvenile in the song, but because … I was actually considering wearing it to work.

If your boss regularly asks you to “drop it like it’s hot,” you may want to consider the NSFW skirt for work. But then, you may also want to consider filing a lawsuit for sexual harassment.

I don’t think I’m fashion stupid, but I have had my … moments.  But most of my wardrobe faux pas have been of the frumpy and ridiculous, not whorish and ridiculous, variety.  Thank god for my friend Michelle E., who was always kind enough to point out problems with my outfits.  That’s a true friend; someone who is close enough to you to say, “Hey, that shirt looked like the cat got into the Skittles and then barfed on a very large piece of crepe paper,” rather than, “oh that shirt totally works on you but I could never wear it!”

Anyway, I am keeping the skirt, because it’s definitely appropriate for a night out.  I’m going to order a different skirt for work, although a part of me remains wistful that I am not brave enough (or stupid enough) to wear that skirt, or something close to it, to the office.  I think what really gets to me is that it has been so long since I felt really amazing about my body, and although I’m bigger than I want to be right now, that skirt made me feel that way again — in a Juvenile-approved sort of way.  I don’t need that reminder at work, and certainly neither does anyone else in my office.  But from this day forward, I shall not forget the NSFW skirt in my quest for work-appropriate clothing that celebrates my curves without hiding or flaunting them.

Have you had a NSFW wardrobe moment at work?  Share them in the comments below, and keep me strong in my resolve not to wear that skirt on Monday.

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