My daughter is a few months shy of a year and a half. This kid is the funniest little person in the world. She’s totally cute and I constantly want to just smother her in hugs and kisses (which of course, I do!). As corny as it sounds, she is the best thing about life right now. Hearing her hearty laugh every day makes my world brighter and I can’t imagine loving someone more than I love her.
I’m already crying while writing this and I haven’t even gotten to the meat of it yet.
Although I give her all the love I can, my daughter has a strong preference for my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I love that they have a beautiful relationship. But often times I’m in a lot of emotional pain and here’s why…
I always imagined that if I ever had a little girl I’d have some kind of special bond with her. I’d be her go-to parent, the one she looks for when she falls, the one she wants snuggles from and the one that provides her with the greatest level of comfort. Instead, in my reality, my child chooses her dad for all of those things. When she cries after tripping and I pick her up to comfort her, if dad is anywhere near us she cries out for him. I can’t put into words how much that hurts. She gives him snuggles all the time but I get them very rarely (when I do I cherish them, believe me). Recently I’ve found myself just standing there watching them hug, while she puts her head on his shoulder and he rubs her back, feeling resentful and incredibly hurt.
To be honest, there is part of me that feels like since I’m the one who carried her in my body and gave birth to her (a traumatic birth at that), we should have a special relationship. Not that she owes me anything, don’t get me wrong. I love her to pieces and am so glad she’s my kid. But why don’t we have the type of bond I dreamed of?
I spend more time with her during the week since I’m the one that does all the daycare drop-offs so it’s not an issue of not spending enough time with her. I really think I’m doing everything I can do to be a good parent. It seems like it just comes down to the fact that she’s a daddy’s girl. Others have tried to make me feel better by saying ‘oh, this is just a phase’ but I really don’t think it is. Ever since her birth she’s found more comfort in her dad’s arms than mine.
If you haven’t been in this position I don’t think you can understand how badly it feels. I’m not someone with this huge need and desire for excessive amounts of love and attention. But I do long for that extra special relationship with my child. And I hate that I feel jealous and resentful of my partner at times because he isn’t doing anything wrong. I’m fortunate to have such an incredible daughter who has a wonderful relationship with her dad. I know this. I love them both passionately. But to be honest, I do feel left out at times – like I’m missing out on something really spectacular. And it hurts.