A Letter of Apology to my Second Son
Mommy is so sorry. I didn’t know that two babies would be so hard. I didn’t think I’d treat you any differently than your brother. And I didn’t realize how quickly life would pile up and try to steal our special moments from the two of us.
I’m sorry for not having the time to patiently rock you when you were oh-so-tiny until you didn’t want to be rocked anymore. Your brother needed me to prevent him from fishing in the toilet and from falling down the stairs.
I’m sorry for finishing prepping dinner for the oven with my back to you as you cried, all alone in your gym. I was so hungry. Adonis was so hungry. Everyone was crying, and I just had to finish what I was doing.
I didn’t mean to forget to give you breakfast or lunch last Sunday; I forgot for a moment that you weren’t my newborn any longer.
Please forgive me for thinking that Adonis’ clothes would just fit you, and not paying any attention to the fact that you’re both born in opposite times of the year. Yes, you wore the same five outfits all summer. Now it’s fall, and I know I need to go to the store so that you don’t have to wear PJs all day, but it’s just so hard with two babies.
I wasn’t there when you had your first spoonful of carrots. I only have one or two blurry pictures.
You’re sitting up now. I didn’t notice that you could do that for the longest time. I was too nervous to put you down with your insanely-hyper big brother in the room. I should have put you down.
Forgive me for not taking you everywhere that you should have been able to go. You cried a lot, Kai. You’re brother runs quickly. I knew I just couldn’t keep up.
I have lots of memories of your precious smile and chubby fingers secured in my mind, but Kai, I don’t have a picture for each of your one-month milestones. It was so important to me to do this. I promise I’ll start now. And I’ll try to take a picture every day.
I’m sorry my job doesn’t allow me to pump more than once a day. I want to make the time to pump, but I just don’t know where to get it. I’m sorry you have had formula almost every day for the last two and a half months. This breaks my heart.
I’m sorry your eye still hurts you. I’m sorry for people needing to point it out. And for your ear infection. And for your hernia. And for your eczema on your ankles. Maybe it’s because I drank coffee and soda, or missed prenatal vitamins, while you were in my belly. Maybe it’s because I ate like a crazy woman.
Please forgive me for ever having said, “Is he as tall as Adonis?”, “Does he look like Adonis?”, and “He cries more than Adonis.” You are not Adonis, and you don’t have to feel like you need to be like him at all. You can just be your amazing little self.
Kai, my sweet little boy, I know you’ll understand someday. And in the meantime, I’ll try to make sure you don’t feel like being my second son puts you in second place.