Who I actually am as a mom often differs from the mom I thought I would be. 

There are the little things like not anticipating being the crunchy cloth diapering or  “no tv” mom.  Before I had children of my own I was all, “babies cry sometimes, so what?”. I had no idea I would be *that* mom who would jump at the tiniest squawk.  And patience? Considering all the PIA kids I’ve dealt with, surely my own would never break me.  HA HA HA. 

Another realization came to me this week when we had to make our first ER trip.  I had no idea how hard it would be to see my child hurt. 

You see, I’ve never been much of a hoverer.  I let my kids run and play while kissing bumps and bruises as they come.  It may have happened that my baby was scaling the rock wall at the playscape at the tender age of 13 months. I’ve long sang the praises of children’s resiliency.  They bounce, right?

Well, yes, until they don’t.  My 6-year-old fell and hit his chin hard on our wood floor.  I was right there, and will never forget the sound.  I wouldn’t know until later the extent of the injury, but I knew immediately that a kiss and the Sponge Bob ice pack wasn’t fixing this one.  And you know what I did? I lost my damn mind.

Thanks to my wife, the wonderful team at CCMC, and the doctors who will continue to monitor his healing, I’m sure he will be fine.  Actually, he stopped crying about an hour after the accident and hasn’t shed a tear since.  I can’t say the same for me. 

I had no idea how hard it would be to see my child hurt. 

The realization that I can’t always protect them or keep them safe has rocked me to my core.  Of course I always knew  that, but it was the first time I actually felt  it.  The miles between those two things is, well, devastating. 

I know what you are thinking…accidents happen, this will just be one of many boo boos, and we have an entire lifetime to go of hurts that I won’t be able to shield them from.  It’s true. And it sucks. I wouldn’t have anticipated it before, but I’m not going to be so good at this part.