At dinner one night, I glance over at Big and see that he has a finger up his nose. Not only that, but there’s a piece of chicken draped over his nose (we were having chicken soup with veggies in it). I tell him to stop putting his finger up his nose and then something in his face made me ask if he had put chicken up his nose. His response? “No, cawot.” Carrot. He started to panic a little so Dada pinched shut the other side of his nose and told him to blow — out shot a carrot. I laughed so hard, I thought I was going to die. My preschooler stuffed a carrot up his nose and then blew it out. I tried to tell him he was bad for doing it in the first place but I don’t think he was buying it since I was in the middle of a giggling fit at the time.
Me: “Did you just wipe your nose on my sleeve?”
Me: “Then what were you wiping?”
Little: “My boogers.”
Big: “Do you know where I was born?”
Me: “Yes, actually, I do. Do you?”
Big: “Yes. I was born in Australia and you were born in a compost box.”
Me: “A compost box?! What is that?”
Big: “It’s where you put stuff . . . like banana peels.”
Me: “How do you know about that?”
Big: “I just do.”
It’s bedtime and I’m holding Little, rocking back and forth and singing, “Hushabye, don’t you cry, go to sleepy little baby . . .” The whole time, he is pulling down his lower eyelids and saying, “Zombie faaaaace . . .”
Little: “Kick it.”
Me: “Kick what?”
Big: “Good luck with that.”
Whenever Big is being crabby and making mean faces, we play a game where we call the Kid Store and ask them to send a new kid because the one we have is broken and/or defective. The first few times we did this, the new kid that we got was much better. Lately, though, the Kid Store keeps sending us new kids that are lemons! As soon as the new kid gets here, he’s already broken. One weekend we must have gotten five or six deliveries from the Kid Store. After a while, we also got a few deliveries from the Dada Store. It was hilarious to listen to Dada and Big take turns pretending to call the store and ask for a new kid/Dada.
Big, Little and I were sitting in the car waiting for Dada. Big watched Dada walk by and said the following: “What is Dada doing . . . he’s crazy . . . Dada is crazy . . . Are you freakin’ kidding me?!” That would be my fault. Ahem.
Me: “What do you want on your birthday cake?”
Big: “A picture of me.”
Big: “A picture of Dada and Little.”
Me: “Okay, let’s talk about something else. What do you want for a birthday present?”
Big: “A coffee maker . . . a monkey . . .”
Me: “Never mind.”
Heard at bedtime: “I’ll give you a hug but I can’t kiss you because I have hangnail lip.” That would be chapped lips in kidspeak.
“I am so tired that I have ever felt in my life.” — Big
Little: “Sing again, Mama!”
Me: “No, you sing, Little.’
Little: “I’m too old.”
We were all in the playroom when Big snatched a toy from Little’s hands. This is a fairly common occurrence but he always gets in trouble for it. When I took the toy from him and told him that was bad, he responded in a yelling, demanding voice: “TAKE A STEP TO ONE SIDE!” My mister and I were dying laughing, which diffused the whole situation. He was so serious and thought he was really giving me the what for. If this is the worst thing he says, we’ll be happy.
One morning, I walked into the bathroom and saw that Big was pulling up his pajamas after using the potty. He immediately started stammering:
Big: “I . . . I . . . but . . . it was an accident!”
Me: “Uh oh, what did you do?”
Big: “My bunny is wet.” (He’s talking about a little stuffed bunny.)
Me: “How did your bunny get wet?”
Big: “I was just holding him . . . and then . . . all of a sudden . . . I noticed that I was PEEING!”
Me: “So you peed on your bunny?”
Big: “It was an accident!”
Me: “Okay, but why was he even in the potty anyways?”
Big: “I was snuggling him.”