My husband and I have been trying something the last few months: having more sex. We’ve been married for (going on) 13 years and together for 15. Sex has always been good, but now it’s quickly becoming something else. It’s becoming a tool ~ a tool for bonding, relaxing, recharging, connecting, creating, and rejuvenation. Having frequent sex is making us more of a partnership outside the bedroom as well. I find we are both more patient with our children, more accommodating towards each other, and more playful overall.
But getting here wasn’t easy. I’ve been craving a more intimate sex life for years now…through no fault of my husband, I might add. I simply just haven’t been in the mood for many years. I could play the “tired-over-touched-mother” card here and frankly, I did for many years. Then I realized that with three young boys, that wasn’t going to change any time soon so I better just get OVER myself. I’m still a tired-over-touched mother but now, with a little effort, my sex life is ROCKIN’.
First, I had to get over my cultural programming of sex as something that is dirty, forbidden, and taboo. Sex has been tragically perverted in our culture, when in reality it can be a very spiritual experience that directly connects us to our power. I love this whole paragraph written by Linda E. Savage in her article “Spiritual Sex, Ecstatic Love Beyond the Physical“: “Imagine living in a culture where sex was sacred and not a sin and sexuality was seen as a positive expression of the life force. This perspective was the norm in many cultures pre-dating Greek and Roman times and these societies date back 30,000 years. Even as late as 3,500 years ago those who lived on the island of Crete recognized sexual pleasure as a wonderful way to connect with spirit, renew the abundance of the land, and unite deeply with one another. In this culture sexuality was widely understood as a pathway to spiritual ecstasy.”
I fully attribute frequent sex with making a trip to the West Coast possible last June. There was a wedding of a friend that I really wanted to go to, and more than that, I wanted to make a family vacation out of it. To help persuade my hubby (who had been saying NO to the trip) I made sure we fully engaged in sex frequently the weeks before the trip. Then, one week before the wedding he not only said “Yes” to the trip, he scheduled, planned and paid for the whole thing. It was our best vacation ever. Now before you accuse me of using sex as a weapon of manipulation, I will say that I used it as a tool. Great sex can make people see what is possible. In our case, great sex made hubby realize our limitlessness and think that “yes, we can not only afford this vacation, we can ROCK it!” Linda E. Savage would agree with me when she says that during sex “often one receives inspiration and illumination that can be translated into divine guidance.” (If you didn’t click on that link yet, go back. It’s an AWESOME article.)
Having ROCKIN’ sex does require some effort. In order, for me it requires:
* the DESIRE for a rockin’ sex life.
* the COMMITMENT to do it frequently.
* the SELF-DISCIPLINE to follow-through. (Dudes, many nights I’m just so tired and the LAST thing I want to do is have sex. But once we get started, it gets me in the mood and I never, ever, ever regret it.)
Luckily once I started doing it A LOT, I just wanted to keep doing it. Desire begets desire.
And since we’re doing it a lot, we’re becoming very open and experimental. Talking about our desires, preferences and fantasies makes it so much easier to talk about absolutely anything else. Indeed our intimacy now extends well beyond the bedroom.
I’ve come to believe that frequent sex can solve ANY marital problem. To quote Jane Demerica from Helium: “Couples who share a great sex life are happier together. It makes you feel wanted and needed. Most of all, it makes you feel loved. The less sex you have, the further apart from each other you will become. Eventually there will be miles between you and you won’t have any idea what really happened.”
I would go so far as to say I’m finally WAKING UP sexually. It is not a chore for me anymore. It is something I WANT to do and LIKE to do and really LOOK FORWARD to doing.
If you feel the same way, then keep on ROCKIN’ it, Sister! If you want to feel the same way, then I suggest having sex with your partner for one full week and see what happens. You may have to fake wanting it…but trust me, it’ll be well-worth the effort.
Need more convincing? Here is a list of the physical benefits to sex.
Just do it!