Ever since last week, when we learned the date of our first IVF cycle, I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster.  Wait, let’s be serious.  This entire process leading up to the learning of the date of our first IVF cycle has been an emotional rollercoaster.

I was at work when I got the call to finalize our tests and schedule the first monitoring appointment of our IVF cycle.  After the call, I was practically skipping around work, humming along to the radio, and smiling to myself.  This was really good news, and I was on cloud nine.

At some point during the workday, I found myself grumpy, easily aggravated, and short and snippy with my coworkers.  Sorry, guys.

Hello, crappy mood, where did you come from?  The answer didn’t occur to me until later that night, after I had been home for a while, feeling a weird mixture of emotions ranging from elation (there may have been some high-fiving going on as my husband and I discussed the news) to just wanting to zone out in front of the computer and not speak to anyone.

It hit me then—I was stressed.  And, a little scared.  Ecstatic, of course, but scared.  IVF is no longer in the hypothetical.  We are doing this.  I admit to a little fear of the injections—who really wants to stab themselves with a needle a couple of times a day—but it’s the sobering reality of maybe a pregnancy and a baby that is starting to sink in.  Yes, we are ready, as ready as anyone ever is.  But, now that I can allow myself to really think about all of these things, I’m left feeling blissful-terrified-anxious-calm-petrified-euphoric.

So forgive me if you find me with a smile on my face one minute, and, the next, mentally checked-out and chewing my fingernails.  It’s not you, coworkers, friends, family, and strangers; it’s me.

Think I’m on an emotional rollercoaster now?  Just wait until I start the hormones.

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