When you become a mom, poop becomes a big part of your life. When your child is an infant, you examine and pontificate about poop. You spend the first few weeks of their lives looking at the color and texture, marveling at how it goes from tarry, to mustard colored, to “traditional” brown mash. You comment early on about how your baby’s poop “smells sweet” only to have this comment bite you in the @ss once they start eating solids. You become obsessed if it’s too runny, yellow, hard, or dark.

At one point in their lives, your kid will end up putting sh*t in their mouth or chucking it somewhere where it doesn’t belong.  This has happened more times than I should admit, and it stems from the fact that my kid was SUPER squiggly during diaper changes. I once posted frantically in a mom’s forum looking for help on HOW to change diapers without the stress of airborne turds – I’ve copied and pasted a portion of that post here (feel free to skip ahead!):

So, this morning, as I am about to leave for work my “Little Man” looks at me and has this sour look on his face. He then starts grunting, which really only means one thing.

“REALLY? NOW? Right as Mommy is leaving for work??”

I wait for the Pooper to stop grunting and take him to change his diaper. In it is a MAJOR BOMB – if it was even a little bit more, we would have had a total blowout. I lay out the new diaper and place my boy on the changing table. He fights me, trying to turn over. In doing so, the tabs from the old dipe get stuck to the new dipe and as I am removing the old one, everything comes with it including the changing table pad and the new diaper.

In an effort to get in on the fun, my little guy tries to grab this wad of poop/changing pad/diaper. He succeeds in grabbing the dirty diaper BETWEEN BOTH HANDS and proceeds to SQUISH everything between his fingers as if he was playing with play-doh. He then decides he wants to know what it tastes like, and I see his hands move up to his mouth.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” I yell, as I hold his hands back from his mouth. Well, I must have hit the “EXPLODE” button because at that point it became a fight. The crazy boy is determined to get his little hands in his mouth, Mommy is determined to keep them away and he’s squiggling on this table three feet from the ground as if his life depended on it. Baby poop, dirty diaper, wipes, are flung EVERYWHERE.

“Little Man” finally calms down with massive tears pouring down his face and his own sh*t smeared all over his head (but at least it didn’t end up in his mouth!). My changing table is a mess. I can’t find the old dirty diaper and the accompanying turds because they got flung somewhere in the struggle. My work shirt is smeared dirty and I am now 5 minutes late for work.

Now that my kids are older, I thought that poop adventures were behind me…last night some greater being laughed in my face, saying in a James Earl Jones-esque voice, “NOT SO FAST, MAMA…”

My girl is potty trained but she is TERRIFIED of pooping on the “big potty.” I think the fact that she tends to poop Milk-Dud-like turds that take a lot of effort to lay, splash into the giant pool of toilet water, and cause her bottom to get soaked freaks her out. She’ll only go is if she’s on her pink plastic frog potty.

CREDIT: fisher-price.com

CREDIT: fisher-price.com

My husband was out of the house. After bathtime, I was trying to navigate two naked and clean children when Lady B says she needs to “go dookey” as she squiggles on top of the pink frog. She successfully pees – a lot – then lays her load into her full pail of pee. I praise her efforts and tell her to bend over so that I can wipe her @ss, and as I am doing so, Bubba Boy, AKA “Little Man”, decides it’s his duty (since Dad is not around) to clean out the potty.

Well, you know that commercial on TV where the kid runs down the hallway with his potty full of pee? Imagine that only with pellet turds rolling around in the pee. Yep, BAD NEWS. The next thing I know, I hear sloshing and a giant crash. I turn around to see my floor and naked son covered in his sister’s pee, Milk Duds EVERYWHERE.

WTF??!! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!?!!!

I just stood there, poopy wipes in my hand, not sure whether to dress my girl, clean the floor, or throw my pee covered son back into the shower. I chose floor first (for fear of one or more toddlers stomping on a turd), and as I am on my hands/knees cleaning everything off, Bubba announces that he needs to pee…and does so, right on my foot.

milkduds

Milk Dud Turds – what my daughter poops out. PHOTO CREDIT: LIVESTRONG

Is this what mommyhood is all about??! Holy SH.. er, I mean, POOP!

 

 

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