It’s been awhile since we’ve talked about Audrey and her personal War on Sleep, so let’s get up to date, shall we?

Spoiler alert: She’s winning the war.

I'll just hide in here until she forgets it's bedtime.

I’ll just hide in here until she forgets it’s bedtime.

This kid, you guys. She is two years old and the worst sleeper pretty much ever to exist in human life. I keep (foolishly) thinking it’s got to get better and you know what? NOPE.

I don’t know what the “average” normal sleep patterns are for a two year old and guess what? I don’t care, because I’m pretty sure no matter what they are, Audrey will laugh maniacally about it. Then cry, “No rock, Mommy! LIGHT ON!”

She’s wily, too. She will go on stretches where she goes to bed easily and at a reasonable time… and stay asleep. Like, ALL NIGHT LONG. UNTIL THE MORNING LIGHT. We’ll get two or even three weeks of this with only one or two nights of wakeups per week and we’ll think (stupidly), “Ohhhhh yes. This child we have prayed for.”

Then it’s back to waking up every night at least once and sometimes three times. She’s thirsty. She’s hungry. She wants a book. She’s hot. She’s cold. She’s Katy Perry. And she only ever wants Moooooooommmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Yes, let's read this book. On the floor. Only the floor.

Only you can read me this book, Mommy.

Her latest trick? Completely refusing her crib. Like full out this-crib-is-bullshit type of behavior. She’ll point at her rug and cry, “Floor? Floor, Mommy? PLEASE, FLOOR?!”

Is she serious with this?

Is she serious with this?

She wants to sleep on the floor. And not JUST the floor, but she also wants me to sleep on the floor. Newsflash: I’m old and that shit hurts.

I know what you’re thinking and y’all are right. I’m doing it all wrong. I’m not even being sarcastic. I know I am. I do not even care at this point.  I will find a real live unicorn and let her sleep on that while it flies around the Kingdom of Enchancia if it will help.

And I realize these latest antics suggest that she’s ready for a big girl bed. Well, I am not. It’s not as easy as throwing down a mattress and gating off her room. This is Audrey we’re talking about. Master of Audreying Around. She likes to sit inside the fireplace. Much Audrey-proofing would have to occur and we’re trying to sell our house. I can’t very well empty out her room right now. That doesn’t really give off a buy my house vibe so much as a crazy toddler and desperate parents live here one.

Audrey: I think I have her convinced. Olivia: Ha! Oh, Mom. So dumb.

Audrey: I think I have her convinced. Olivia: Ha! Oh, Mom. So dumb.

So here we are. The exhausted leading the even more exhausted. If anyone has any “it really does get better” stories to share – even if it’s SEVERAL YEARS AWAY – I’ll take ‘em.

What I really want to know, though, is how this kid still looks so good with so little sleep?!

WAKE UP, it's time for school!

WAKE UP, MAHM. LET’S GO.

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