I’m tired, really tired. It’s only Monday as I write this! But lately the weekends have not been long enough for me. This is true even though I don’t go into the office on Fridays, because I take care of my grandson in the afternoon so I work at home in the morning. So in effect, I have a 2.5 day weekend and it’s still not enough.
I don’t know whether it’s work burnout, or chronic Lyme Disease, or getting older, or the heat, or what. But I’m really tired of being tired.
I definitely don’t go to sleep early enough, so I rarely get 8 hours of sleep. On the weekends, I love to take a 2 hour or longer nap each day. It’s quite delicious, but it doesn’t compensate for lack of sleep during the week.
So I could do a better job of taking care of myself, but the reason I stay up too late is that there isn’t enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do, especially after work. So I’m always pushing the envelope, trying to squeeze out more time. And because I feel my time is so constrained, I end up inert, just watching TV and surfing the internet instead of reading books, knitting or do some of the other projects for which I keep buying supplies and then never getting around to doing.
Having been a working mom for so many years, I think I am still trying to compensate for that feeling of lack of time for things I wanted to do that started waaaay back when I became a working mom. It’s as though I have been overdrawn in the Me-Time Bank since 1982 (when I returned to work after MOS-32 was born) and I can never seem to catch up.
I’ve even been investigating retirement, as I could start collecting Social Security in about a year. But retiring early means you get less money per month in benefits. I have a pension, but that would not start until 2017. Also, I am the major earner in the family so losing my salary would mean a really big change in our lives. I realized that when one stops working, most of the expenses do not change (mortgage, utilities, etc.), to my great surprise. So while retirement has a certain appeal to me right now, it will have to remain a concept, not a reality.
But this weariness and paralysis is, itself, very tiring. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do things. I love to travel but when it comes time to plan a trip, I think, “Nah, I’d rather stay home with the dogs.” But vacations are necessary and renewing and I need to make myself take one! I took a week off in May to just hang out at home and that went by in the blink of an eye. My company has generous vacation and personal leave, but I’ve been hoarding those days because of my commitment to taking care of the baby on Fridays. I think I have some days to spare at this point, so I have to figure out if I want to just rest at home and start those projects or plan an exciting trip. But guess what – it’s making me tired thinking about the decision.
I do not exercise much, which I most definitely need change, but the hot weather is a killer. When I first moved to CT from the pressure cooker that is Philadelphia in the summer, I was amazed that there were usually only 2 or 3 really hot humid weeks in CT summers. I thought that was amazing and wonderful. WELL, what happened to that? Where’s my lovely sunny but not hot CT summer?
My mother was always tired and I resented it a lot. I thought of it as a personal failing on her part, and now I’m the same way! So I am reaching out to my fellow working moms for suggestions and ideas about how to overcome my inertia. Please share your secrets – you are all doing SO much more than I am, with your careers AND all of your little ones to tend to, so I’ll bet you have some good tips.