- smidge of peppercorns
- half a jar of curry powder
- one package of powdered milk
- two dollops of black pepper
- handful of Fruity Pebbles and/or Lucky Charms for color
- dash of lime juice
- three dashes of lemon juice
- generous portion of wheat flour
- six squirts of dish soap
- vinegar spray
- 3 bay leaves
- ice cubes
- ginger, thyme, sage, paprika, parsley, garlic salt, nutmeg, chives, poultry seasoning, soy sauce, and salad dressing to taste
- Goldfish crackers, obviously
Mix first four ingredients. Use the largest whisk you can find because a spoon just won’t do. Ask for the electric mixer and pout when you are denied. Sneeze dramatically directly into the soup bowl. Wipe your nose with your hand, then use that same hand to add the dried cereal. Add the lime juice but miss the bowl completely and squirt it onto the counter. Add three times as much lemon juice to compensate. Ask if you can try it. Don’t try it.
Use your hands (which are now wet from lime juice and sticky from boogers) to scoop out the flour. Get distracted for five minutes by all of the flour that is now stuck to your hands. Jump up and down and whine and cry about your hands being dirty. Go wash your hands. While you’re up, go use the bathroom. Forget to wash your hands again after using the potty.
Add the dish soap and stir vigorously to create milky whitish blue bubbles. Bemoan the fact that you didn’t think to add the dish soap earlier. Ask again if you can try it, “just a lil’ taste!” Don’t try it.
Lift the bowl off the counter and keep stirring as hard and as fast as you can. Drop the bowl flat onto the counter so that the soup flies into the air in a circular spray. Take the paper towels and vinegar spray that Mama hands you and wipe off the counter. Add some vinegar spray to your soup while you’re at it. Ask again if you can try it but giggle in anticipation of the “No.”
Drop in the bay leaves and then immediately wonder aloud how weeds got into your soup. Ask if you can go get the pruning shears to “take care of those weeds.” Briefly pout when you are denied.
Get your mother to microwave your soup because you don’t like gazpacho. Fall off your chair laughing when Mama starts swearing because the soup is foaming over in the microwave. Suggest that it might have been the dish soap that caused the foam and offer to get out your vinegar spray again.
While Mama cleans the microwave, pull a chair over to the freezer and get some ice cubes for your soup, which is now way too hot. Remind Mama that you TOLD her you like your soup COLD. Mutter, “Sheesh!” under your breath and then duck when Mama shoots you with lasers from her eyes.
Go to the spice cabinet and spin the Lazy Susan until all of the spices fall over. Randomly grab whatever ones you can catch as they go by. Cry for five minutes when your finger gets pinched. When Mama kisses your finger all better, use the opportunity to ask again if you can taste the soup. Watch sadly as Mama rolls her eyes and walks away without answering.
When Mama’s not looking, climb up on the counter and pull out four bowls. Grab a ladle from the drawer and spoon out generous portions of soup. Garnish with Goldfish crackers. Set the table nicely with cloth napkins and soup spoons. Drop the first bowl of soup on the floor en route to the table.
Enjoy some quiet time in your room.