I used to be a very decisive, rational person. I miss that.  Instead, here I am doing my daily mental gymnastics…the ultimate flip-flopper.  I drive myself crazy, nevermind everyone around me. 

I simply can not decide if I’m happy about my kids growing up or not. 

Case in point:

One morning I’m swirling with stress, chaos, sippy cups, and diaper changes and I’m all, “OMG why can’t you children dress yourselves??? Mommy is laaaaate!”  And the next morning, when they do, in fact, dress themselves and come bounding down the stairs proudly, it’s, “You don’t need me anymore! Waaahhhh!!”

Or,

Weeks of clingy, tear-filled, and tantrumy daycare drop offs and I pray for some relief to this terrible way to start a day.  Then it happens…she happily runs into school without so much as a kiss goodbye or wave for mom.  And I sob openly in the car.

Or,

Day after day of sore back and arms thanks to the dreaded “uppie! uppie!” and thoughts of, “it would be so much easier if these kids could just WALK THEMSELVES!!” while juggling a baby on the hip and 486548 bags in the other hand.  I’m schvitzing just remembering the scene. But then I blink and they are walking – or worse – running! So now it’s “Don’t run ahead of mommy! Watch out for cars! Get back in the stroller!”  “Why can’t I ever hold you anymore??”  ::sigh::

Or,

The endless toddler battles over food.  Airplane, covert distraction operations, sneaking vegetables in the pasta sauce, funny songs, and the ridiculous celebrations over ant-sized bites that would have mortified my 20-year-old self.  Yeah, I went grocery shopping yesterday.  Nearly broke my damn back pushing that cart.  Those kids are eating me out of house and home!  

grocery-cart

And then there’s the ultimate…

Sleepless nights, screaming [baby], crying [mommy], and the exhaustion that runs down into your bones.  I prayed for sleep. I begged for sleep. I couldn’t wait for sleep.  It’s been about a month now of good, consistent sleep.  And you know what my thoughts have turned to, don’t ya?  I miss having a baby in the house… 

WTF??  Motherhood…turning sane, rational women into psychopaths since, well, forever.

 

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