I’m having a rough day today. I’m in a funk and I wasn’t sure I could pinpoint the reason. But if I’m being honest with myself I think it’s because I miss my daughter. I should be welcoming these hours I get today (and, most of the time, do) that I’m not with her because it gives me some time to catch up on, oh, I don’t know, everything else that doesn’t get done during the rest of the week when she and I are together all day. But today, I just miss her, like a part of me isn’t quite all here. It worries me sometimes that I have a hard time being “myself” without her here.
It’s one of the main reasons I’m choosing to go back to school in May. Oh waffles, that sounds scary to write it out. It’s only easier to say it now because May is far enough away that I have time to back out (I kid! Kind of!). But I don’t want to back out. I’m going back to school to learn a skill that will help me reach my goals and provide more for our daughter, financially. Because although I know I made the right decision for our family by leaving my job when she was born to be home with her, our finances have taken a marked hit. Returning to school will help me give my daughter the opportunities we want for her, and also help our family stay afloat.
But I’m also doing it for me. Spending some time removed from the workforce as I knew it has given me a gift of being able to evaluate what I want to when I return to it. The time away has been good for some self reflection and soul searching, and had I not nursed my daughter for the last 30 months I wouldn’t have known I’d even want to do anything even remotely close to being a lactation consultant. Become a nurse, then a lactation consultant. It had started to sound like something I needed to do.
Learning something new about myself felt so good (I might have a calling to do this!) and putting together a plan to do something about it felt even better (I have the amazing support of my family to make this happen!)
So, while going back to school means big things for my family, I really need this for myself. It feels like it’s been awhile since I put myself first and this choice at least puts me back on my own radar.
As long as I leave plenty of opportunity for snuggles while doing it.