I am a new me.

I am no longer the fit, petite, cute, young and thin me that I once was. I am no longer the hardcore, up and coming, defined-by-my-career me. I am a middle-aged Asian woman whose shoulders are double-wide, whose butt and hips are wider than my shoulders, whose belly (while never in my life having been flat) is now far-from-flat and actually pretty darned jiggly, whose boobs are still flat but now hang down by my belly button. I am a woman now who has a few extra chins, a lot of extra wrinkles on my face, and a shadow of some dark circles under my bloodshot eyes. I am the woman who you see bolting out the office door at 5:30 or earlier.

What you don’t realize when you see me at first glance is that despite my less-than-average appearance and seemingly unmotivated demeanor, remarkable things have happened to me.  That jiggly belly? It once grew two babies (at the same time). Those flat, saggy boobs? Those once fed two babies (also at the same time). Everything else – the wrinkles, the dark eyes, and the need to leave the office while the day is still young – is a product of the fact that I am a mom

My perspective in life has changed. It has taken me three whole years to accept the fact that at this point in time, this is who I am and who I will be for the next few years. And dammit…accepting this is not easy. You talk about judgement free motherhood? I have had to come to terms with the fact that judgement free motherhood means being judgement free of myself. I have had to realize that achieving my mommyhood goals means giving up some of my own superficial goals, and realizing that what’s on the surface is much different from what’s underneath. Besides, no one really cares about what’s on the surface but by golly, my kids really care about what’s underneath.

The day will someday come when I will have time (again) to work back towards who I once was. By then, I may be a little wiser, a lot older, and perhaps much worse for the wear. It’s even possible that by then, I may be past the point of no return…but getting back to who I once was is no longer important. What’s important is that I spend as much of my non-working time with my kids; that I give them all of me in the short amount of time that they have of me; that I devote as much of whatever energy that I have towards keeping their little lives secure and happy. It’s important that my kids know that they can always be sure of me because the day will come when someone decides to pop the little bubble that is their world, and when that happens, I want them to know that I am always and forever there for them.

So yeah, I am a new me. I am a superhero. I am a protector. I am a nurturer. I am a grilled cheese maker, a monster chaser, a snuggler, and a boo boo kisser. I am a mom, and I am pretty damned awesome.

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“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
‘Pooh?’ he whispered.
‘Yes, Piglet?’
‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. ‘I just wanted to be sure of you.’ ”
(A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh)

 

 

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