Children are full of surprises.  You think you can anticipate what might occur, the kinds of phone calls you’ll get from them or about them, the kinds of questions they will ask…but you have no idea what surprises are in store.

Here are some of the conversations that have occurred during my years as a mother, in no particular order:

  1. Phone call:  “Mom…[static]…emergency room…[static]…thumb…[static]…knife…[static]….”
  2. Phone message:  “Mom, I’m at the police station.  I got arrested for shoplifting.  Uh, I guess you’re not home right now, but call me at the police station when you get home, OK?”
  3. Conversation:  “Where are the brand new roller blades you took to camp this morning?”  “I traded them!”  “For what?” “This used Yankees cap.”  “AAAARRGH!  What’s the name of the kid who has your skates?”  “Um, I think it’s Joey.  Or it could be Josh.”
  4. Conversation:  “I’m worried about my penis size.  What is normal?”
  5. Phone message from husband: “I’m at the emergency room with A.  He found an ancient bottle of soda in the garage and drank it.”
  6. Conversation with principal of private elementary school your children had attended over the previous 10 years:  “We’re not inviting your son back for 6th grade because he has learning disabilities.”
  7. Conversation with college freshman son:  “Uh, I just found out I missed registration for next semester.  I went to my advisor and she said there’s probably not much left to choose from.”
  8. Comment in son’s yearbook:  “Hey, dude, always remember the good times smoking the ganja in your garage when we were supposed to be cleaning up the yard!”
  9. Conversation:  “Somehow I smashed into [my brother’s] car!  I don’t know how it happened, because I looked in the rear view mirror first and didn’t see his car and I never put my foot on the gas when I put my car in reverse.”   (Estimate for fixing this non-event was $3500.)
  10. Conversation:  “What does ‘whacks off’ mean?  Oh, I know – “wax on, wax off” from ‘The Karate Kid’!!”
  11. Phone conversation:  “I’m failing all my college courses!  I don’t know how to do this! I don’t belong in college!  Dad was right — I’m not college material!
  12. Conversation:  “Mom, I accidentally dropped my retainer and stepped on it.”
  13. Phone conversation:  “Ma’am, this is the Woodbridge police.  Your son wants to speak to you.”  “Mom, I TOLD him I had to be the one to tell you or you would have a heart attack.  I smashed my car into a tree and I have to go to the hospital now with [2 friends who were in the car with him].  Mom, I’m really sorry.”
  14. Conversation:  “Mom, if someone wears a condom during sex, can they still get a sexually transmitted disease?”
  15. Phone conversation (from son to me, while I am at work):  “Will anything bad happen if a dog stays in the refrigerator for a half hour?”

Get ready, moms!

 

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