Many years ago, while I was getting the best haircut I ever got in my life, Will the hair stylist and I got to talking about Mother’s Day cards. Turns out we both had the same predicament: none of the loving mushy cards seemed to match our complicated relationships with our mothers.

For example, I couldn’t buy a card that said, “Thank you, Mom, for always being there when I needed you,” because she wasn’t. I couldn’t buy one that said, “Thank you for always making me feel special,” or “Thank you for supporting my dreams and goals,” for the same reason.

Will the hair stylist and I realized there needed to be a whole new genre of M-Day cards, and now, 15 years later, I am shocked that no one has capitalized on this niche market! Come to find out, many of the other moms I know have a similar dilemma, so I have volunteered to create some M-Day sentiments that can and should be made into HONEST Mother’s Day cards. Feel free to borrow them as needed.  Here we go:

Cover of card:   embryo

Message:

Thank you, Mom, for giving me life. I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t, and you wouldn’t be celebrating Mother’s Day.  So Happy Mother’s Day to both of us!

 * * * * *

Cover of card:  Bare necessities

[This could be one of those musical cards that plays “The Bare Necessities” when you open it]

Message:
Mother’s Day is a time to remember all that you have done for me:
• You potty-trained me.
• You taught me to read.
• You showed me how to tie my shoes.
• You gave me food, shelter and clothing.
I’m a much better person because of this, Mom, and I truly appreciate your efforts.  

* * * * *

Cover of card:  evil stepmother

Message:

It’s Mother’s Day, and now that I’m a mother myself, I really understand the challenges you faced…
…and I wonder why you were so freaking nasty about it.

* * * * *

Cover of card:  Mom at salon

Message:

Mom, I’ve learned so much from you over the years, so I’ve made these promises to my own children:

♦ I will never leave them a message saying, “I’m suffering,” because my air conditioner is broken.

♦  I will never complain about the $5 copay for my medication when I have plenty of money in the bank.

♦  I will never miss a school function because that’s the only time my hairdresser is available.

♦  I will never make them take me to get blood tests and a colonoscopy when they are visiting me on their one week vacation from work.

♦  I will never take their spouse’s side in an argument instead of standing up for my own child.

♦  I will never make my kids feel guilty the way you do to me.

* * * * *

 

Cover of card:  evil face

Message:

On Mother’s Day, I’d like to say,

I wish that you would go away.

Your constant harping makes me ill,

Of your criticism I’ve had my fill.

You seem to think you know it all,

But I remember when I was small,

A mother who was less than ace.

If you look in the mirror, you’ll see her face.

* * * * *

Do you think the kids of today will seek out cards that say:

Momcellphone

Oh Mom, put down that gosh darn phone.

We’re together but I feel all alone.

 

Brutally Honest Mother’s Day Cards – we really need them!

 

 Many thanks to Disney Co., which always seems to produce exactly the right images.  Other images are public domain.
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