Today is my “due” date! The day the medical world says, “Okay, you’re ready to have a baby”! Oh, really?! Yes, the nursery is complete, my husband and I have taken the refresher labor and delivery course, my family has taken the sibling prep-course (I have a three-year-old daughter), and I have washed, cleaned, and organized every square inch of my house! On the surface, I would agree, I’m ready!
So what’s the problem? As I learned with my first, “due” dates are a crap shoot, part human calculation error and part biological clock ticking faster or slower than anticipated. I’m probably one of those few, crazy people who actually doesn’t mind being pregnant, even in this sweltering heat of July!
With my due date here, I look back over the course of this pregnancy, and previous pregnancies, and remember all the wonderful and exciting milestones; knowing we’re actually going to carry to term (I had two previous miscarriages after my daughter), hearing the heart beat for the first time, finding out the gender (it’s a boy!), telling our family and friends, feeling little flutters that turned into kicks, jabs and pushes, seeing him practice breath, the anticipation of it all! This pregnancy is also a little bitter-sweet as it will probably be my last, given my age and previous complications with conception, pregnancies and even my previous delivery. Thus, I will never experience these particular “milestones” again. My daughter will never be a Big Sister again, and my little boy will only experience being the Litter Brother. Also, being pregnant, as a good friend said to me, is really the only place where she felt her baby was truly “safe”. Tucked safe inside the womb where really nothing can harm them.
The other night, my husband and I were winding down from the day, my daughter tucked into bed and I muted the television. He asked what I was doing and I said, “Do you hear that? Nothing”! It was quiet, quiet as could be. I said, with a mischievous giggle: “enjoy this, because in a week or so, this won’t exist anymore!” Yet, I recall back to those night feedings with my first and start to miss those soft, cuddly moments, (yes even at 3 o’clock in the morning). My daughter, being an independent, three-year-old, doesn’t really “cuddle” anymore and sleeps through the night (thank goodness!). I’m glad I tried to “be in the moment”, even though the exhaustion, and take in those quiet mornings where it’s just you and your baby, no distractions, nothing else going on, nothing else is important right at that moment.
I’m nostalgic about my pregnancy coming to an end, but looking forward to all the other wonderful and different milestones my son will achieve and explore with us and the new adventures my family will take on as we go from a family of three, to a family of four!
Yet, I’m still nagged by my original concern, are we really ready? Is anyone ever ready? How do you know? How do I juggle two kids, a full-time job, my husband’s business, and avoid completely turning my daughter’s life up-side-down with this new creature (albeit adorable!) invading her already established space? Time will tell! While we’ll try our best to live in the moment and do the right thing (whatever that is!), half the time we’ll probably be flying by the seat of our pants! So ready or not, here we go!