Kids are weird. And inappropriate. And scary. My kid in particular — at least so I thought up until just recently.

So my daughter gets a little nervous and silly sometimes, especially when she’s being shy or, say, meeting people for the first time. Or if she just wants to embarrass me. Apparently. Because the anxious little habit she has is to lick herself – usually her arm or the back of her hand. Or me. There have been occasions when I’m trying to have a conversation with someone and I feel something on my leg. She’s licking me. Damn. Not now, CP. “Ha ha ha ha. Oh, she’s just nervous.” *lick*

Slurp.

Slurp.

Bathroom humor is not appropriate and not encouraged. (Although it can definitely cause me to suppress a laugh.) I suspect my husband has secretly approved of this raucous humor, because it has to be coming from somewhere, right? And she’s honing her skills. “I tooted on the chair!” “I tooted on the stairs!” “I tooted on your work pants!” Also, anything and everything poop.

Swearing. This is a tough one. I can’t say it doesn’t happen around here sometimes. I won’t take the blame for this, however. I have done a serious overhaul to my vocabulary – well, mostly just when in her presence. But what’s worse is when she uses the f-bomb in polite conversation or play. “My f-ing lion is going to go into the castle.” I just wish she actually said “f-ing”.

Death talk is always awkward and weird as well. Due to the circle of life, loved ones passing has become a topic in our household. Of course, when a 3.5 year old brings it up, it’s always a little weird. “I’m going to eat this apple and kill it!” “I hope you don’t die soon, Mommy.” Yipes.

Looking down my shirt. And laughing. Because there’s an ego boost. Lifting up my shirt. And laughing. STOP IT.

She makes me feel like our house is haunted. This is the worst. We live in a 100-plus year old house, so all she’s doing is reigniting those fleeting thoughts that I once had from when we first moved in. And from every time after I watch a movie like Paranormal Activity or the equivalent. I can’t think of any of the terrifying statements (that by the light of day are not all that terrifying) that she has said and I would prefer not to. But they’re those simple statements that children make … you know, simple in the way that a clown or a doll seem chilling. Like that there’s a witch on the ceiling or a man in the shadow or some such thing. All I can think about is how kids are supposed to be intuitive. All I should think about is how she doesn’t quite grasp the concept of shadows from her nightlight. Or how she is the master-distracter when it comes to bedtime. She’s in dreamland before I leave her room and I’m lying in bed, clutching a rosary and staring at the ceiling.

Well, thank goodness for friends with kids and mom-bloggers. Because I have found a handful of moms whose kids lick themselves. And their parents. And I’ve found solace in reading insane statements that other people’s kids have uttered.

You people have some weird kids. Mine is starting to seem normal.

Thanks.

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