As I was reflecting on the 3-year anniversary of this website, I was thinking about how far I’ve come as a writer. I’ve peeked back at my first blog posts and, in truth, cringed a little. I think it can be hard to find your own voice and your own writing style – especially when you’re surrounded by such great writers. But over the past 3 years I’ve moved closer towards becoming the kind of writer that I want to be and as we move forward my hope is to be more authentic and to talk more about my life and the challenges I’ve faced on a deeper level.
A few months ago I read something by Glennon Melton and this quote really struck me (and is now hanging up next to my desk at home):
Sometimes it’s easier to write about things that are more surface level. OK, those kinds of topics are always easier to write about. But there’s this part of me that whispers, Michelle, be more true to yourself, don’t let your fears about how others might perceive you stop you from telling your truths.
Because for me, that’s what holds me back. The fear. The fear of what you might think about me if I tell the full truth about my life. The fear that once you put your shit on the internet you can’t really take it back. But I don’t want to let my fear of being exposed hold me back from being a truly authentic person.
So I’m working on adopting an updated attitude. One that doesn’t care if the world knows what my secrets are. Because in the words of one of my favorite artists Mary Lambert, “they tell us from the time we’re young to hide those things we don’t like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else, but I’m over it.” (Seriously, watch her video below, I just adore it!)
To start here are some of my deepest truths. I promise you, dear readers, to talk more about these things because maybe, just maybe, you can see your own truths in mine and feel less alone in yours.
I’ve had a life long struggle with food. I overeat when I’m stressed/anxious/whatever. I stopped eating sugar 6 months ago and realized that when sugar isn’t in the picture I have better control over the binges/urges to over eat. But I still struggle with this (and with sugar from time-to-time).
I’m insecure sometimes. I often worry about what other people think about me. Sometimes I wonder if I hold back who I truly am for fear of others thinking negatively about me.
I don’t like conflict. I deal with it the best I can but know I can do better in this area.
I’m an overly anxious person. I’ve struggled with this for a very long time and I’ve learned that my anxiety stems from the way I think about things. When I’m practicing meditation regularly and keeping my core values of compassion and kindness top of mind, I feel much more peaceful. But when I’m not doing those things the anxiety creeps in and it impacts my ability to sleep well and, in truth, impacts how I view and treat those around me.
There’s a bit of my “dirty gold” as Glennon would say. Have any of your own to share?