Dear Zoey,

Go the f*%k to sleep.

I’m sorry that we were clueless first-time parents. We had no idea what the consequences of not sleep training you would be. Can you blame us? You cried so hard you kept barfing in your crib. Ew. Here we are 6 years later and you still need mom in bed with you to go to sleep. Even then, you are a bundle of spazz when you don’t fall asleep right as your head hits the pillow. “I CAN’T SLEEP!” you yell at me while flailing your body around the bed.

Yes, our evening routine is bonkers. We are not living examples of happy people when we’re all tired. We’ve just run a marathon of dinner, homework, potty, teeth brushing and stories. I know it’s hard to turn off your brain after all that and settle down. But gimme a break, child. I’m tired.

It’s a busy time of year and I’ve got a lot to do. If you would just go to sleep by yourself-quickly-I could get so much done before I collapse for the night. There is so. much. to. do. Don’t make me beg. Too late?

Let’s face it. I’m not my best self at that time of night. You want to talk about all the things that went wrong in your day. I try to channel my inner perfect parent with all the right answers. But I have the opposite problem that you have: Once I’m in your bed, I can’t keep my eyes open. Sorry I don’t have the answers to your 1 million questions about life and how you came out of me and playground drama but I have run out of patience and probably brain cells. Can we just talk about it in the morning?

GTFTS1

So let’s make a deal. I won’t yell at you any more to JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES. And you can stop asking for one more glass of water (I know you’re not thirsty.) I’ll read you stories and rub your back. You’ll close your eyes, settle down and go the f*%k to sleep.

And we’ll all live happily ever after, ok?

Love,

Mom
Pictures from Go the F**k to Sleep, by Adam Mansbach

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