hands2The holiday season may be merry, bright, chaotic, and joyful for many, but for those struggling with infertility or loss, it can be a cold and lonely time that is particularly hard to bear. I know because I’ve been there.  If you are newer to my story, my wife and I struggled with infertility for nearly two years. We both attempted to conceive, unsuccessfully, but the lengths she went to were far greater than I because of the desire she carried in her heart.  She, like many women, just assumed she’d get pregnant one day and have a child. It was a given.  I mean, why wouldn’t it be?  Women get pregnant and have babies every day.  But month after month, hope soared only to be dashed.  Worst roller coaster ride of our lives. She would eventually undergo many different procedures in our attempt to conceive including two attempts at in vitro fertilization (IVF). We walked away from it all with no baby bump and no answers.  They called it Unexplained Infertility…we just called it brokenhearted.

During the time we were attempting to conceive there were many holidays, birthdays, pregnancy announcements, and babies born, but what stung the most for me was Christmastime. Everything about Christmas screams family – the one thing I was being denied at every turn, or so I felt.  It took all I had not to shred the holiday cards that poured in with cherub-like children plastered all over them. There were dark moments when the entire holiday seemed to be a personal affront to me and my sorrow.

I’m in a different place now, but that kind of pain never leaves you. So in the back of my mind during the hustle and bustle, I think of those who are experiencing the holiday as I once did.  Those who are sad, angry, and questioning…your pain is not invisible. I see you. And on your behalf, I send a wish.  A wish for peace.

I’ll never be happy for what we went through – for the way my wife struggled – but I am at peace with it now. I discovered on our journey that when you have been humbled, when you have been brought down to your knees, upon standing, the world will forever seem brighter.  I hope with time you are able to find your way back onto your feet.

It won’t always be this hard. May peace find you.

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