I am consumed with my sons.  I inhale “Jackson” and exhale “Justus.”  And not for a moment do I regret that.  They are my life, my world, and my heart.  What I struggle with is finding a balance between them and everything else.  I recently wrote about my desire to reconnect with myself; however, I’m finding that I don’t really know how.  Yesterday two things happened that just reinforced the fact that I have to focus on finding that elusive balance in my life.

 

Thing 1:  For the first time in 15 years at my job I received a “not-so-great” performance review.  As I walked out of my boss’s office, ears ringing, heart pounding, my initial reaction was one of defense.    However, as the day went on, I began to honestly reflect on my performance over the past year.  When I looked at the situation objectively, I had to admit that I was in fact a “not-so-great” employee.  I was on maternity leave for the beginning of the year, and when I came back physically I wasn’t fully there mentally, then just a few short months later came the inescapable daycare-associated sickness, and I was constantly leaving work early or coming in late for pediatrician appointments.  Definitely not the most productive year in my career.

 

Thing 2:  This past weekend my mother was cleaning out her garage and gave me a big plastic container of some of my old stuff she had been storing for me.  Yesterday I opened it, assuming most of the contents would be chucked in the garbage (I could really use this big plastic container for Justus’s clothes…) and to my surprise what I found in there left my in tears.  The first thing I pulled out was a scrap-book one of my friends made about us.  At first, I didn’t even recognize it.  But as I started going through it, seeing her familiar, loopy handwriting, looking at pictures of two crazy girlfriends smiling back up at me, it made me realize just how far removed I was from that life.  It also made me realize how much I miss that closeness I had with friends.  A closeness that cannot be replaced with a mother/child relationship.

 

So here’s where I am in the quest to find a healthy balance in my life: I recognize that my role as ‘Mom’ is all-consuming now.  I also recognize the necessity for a healthy balance between the Mom me and all the other me’s:  wife, friend, employee, daughter, sister, etc.  But how?  It just leaves me with more questions than answers.  How do you disconnect from being a mom?  Is that even possible?  And if it is, doesn’t that mean you’re being selfish?  Don’t your children deserve all of you?  What’s the answer?  (seriously, I’m asking.)

Ten years ago?  Or a million?

Ten years ago? Or a million?

Was that really me?

Was that really me?

I miss us.

I miss us.

 

 

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