Alright, alright, I’m starting this post with the requisite I absolutely love being a parent and wouldn’t change that for anything. That is totally true – I love my girl more than anything in the world and would do anything for her. BUT – there are still some aspects of parenting that make me want to scream at the top of my fucking lungs. And we like to keep it real here.

Let’s get started shall we?! This list is in no particular order.

1. Baths. OMFG people I hate that I have to bathe or shower this kid. I hate it. Most days I hope that the fact that there’s bubble bath in the water means that she’ll get clean. If she dunks under once or twice we’re good. I also hate that I then have to clean the bath tub. No thank you.

2. Brushing hair, teeth and wiping butts. Ah, looks like I have a general annoyance with matters of personal hygiene (my kids, not mine, for clarity). First of all, I love to do hair. I love to braid hair and in fact am OBSESSED right now with braiding hair (ask my friends and co-workers). But this kid will not let me do anything other than put a “smooth” clip in to hold her hair back. Brushing it, even with that special brush that hurts less, is not fun. Oh and brushing her teeth – on a good day I’ll also floss them, on a bad day I’ll brush them the best I can and hope I got all the “sugar bugs.” Sidebar – why can’t she understand that you are supposed to swish and spit BEFORE swallowing the damn toothpaste? Last but not least – wiping butts. At least she’s potty trained and wipes when she pees. It’s that good old #2 that gets me. Fun times. Someone tell me I won’t be wiping her crack when she’s 10??

3. All the “stuff.” Kids, and especially babies, come with a lot of crap (literally and figuratively). The crap I’m referring to are the endless toys and things we feel we need. I had a parenting fail a few months ago. I told my daughter that if she didn’t pick up all the toys on the floor that I was throwing them out. THIS KID DIDN’T FLINCH. She said, “OK mommy.” I was like, well shit, now I have to see this through. I went and got a garbage bag and said again, “I’m throwing all this stuff out right now if you don’t clean it up.” I got another “OK mommy.” Double shit. So I tossed everything in the bag, thinking about how much money was spent on those toys. Before I walked out the door to the garbage can (OK, OK I put the stuff in the garage) I said one more time, “Lillian these are all going in the garbage now.” She didn’t care. So I went outside, put the stuff in the garage and came back in only to see her RUNNING up to me. “Mommy, you forgot this” she said as she handed me a toy left on the floor. Epic parenting FAIL. What this did show me is that we need way less stuff than we have, she hasn’t even missed what we took away. At all.

4. The morning rush. Oh wow, I’m wanting to use a lot of swear words in this post. There is a span of like 5 minutes in the morning that I loathe. It’s the time between after I’ve said “Go put your shoes on it’s time go to” and the time we actually get in the fucking car. Why can’t she just get her damn shoes on in a timely manner? And now that she’s four I’ve been telling her “4-year-olds can dress themselves and put their own shoes on.” So lucky me, I get to wait there as the clock is ticking while she takes her time getting ready.

5. Not having time to work out. I have a lot on my plate right now between selling our house, getting a new condo, mediating our divorce and everything else that’s usually going on and the first thing to go was running. I just don’t see how to fit it (or any other exercise) in. And so now my pants are tighter. Fun times. The myth about doing it all is exactly that, a myth.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little look into the things about parenting that get under my skin. My list of things I LOVE about parenting is a million times longer than the list of stuff I don’t like, and for that I’m beyond grateful.