I am choosing to write straight from the heart, only because I am reeling from a recent intense, emotional situation. I’m selfishly taking my experience and sharing it openly in hopes of being able to heal and move forward.
As I have written before, I am a single/solo mother. So far, I have been able to create a life where my baby feels secure and loved. He is a great little boy. He is an observer of life and very cautious. He will not jump into any situation until he feels comfortable. He loves openly and honestly, and if he loves you, he will make sure to let you know. He likes to make sure people around him are happy and feel protected, and he loves to have fun.
I am a very proud and happy momma, and will do all that I can to protect him from harm as best I can. From conception till now, I have been able to keep my son’s life drama free. However, there has been a recent situation that can potentially change that. In order for you to understand, I will give you a brief history.
The day I discovered I was pregnant, his father chose to abandon his responsibilities. In the past four years, I have done all I can to make sure my son has a very healthy life. In the past weeks my son began to talk about not having a father and has expressed his desire to have a “dad” in his life. I have done my best to handle the situation in a way that was age appropriate with all the explanations I could summon up. But as any mother knows, explaining reality in an age appropriate way to a 4-year-old is very difficult.
Fast forward to 5 days ago. I get a call from my son’s father wanting to discuss something personal. After a long explanation and intense conversation, he expressed that he was sorry and felt guilty about not having a relationship with our son…and now he wants to step up.
Well, the long drawn out conversation left me feeling confused and wanting to run fast towards the closest southern state! I have a tendency to go to the extreme or the dark side of possible scenarios so I question everything that people say and analyze behaviors. Especially when it comes to personal situations where I do not trust an individual.
Even though I do not believe in interfering with him trying to develop a relationship with our son, I can’t help but feel apprehensive and I’m having a hard time trusting him. My fear is that he will not be consistent and disrupt the peace and security that I have been able to create for my son so far.
At this point it has only been in the discussion phase between him and I. I’m filled with anxiety and have thousands of questions that need answering before moving forward. I have no control of how this will turn out (and yes I AM a control freak) and all I am doing from day-to-day is trying to keep my expectations in check and continue to raise my son the way I have been.