This past June I became officially divorced from my ex. All in all I suppose it was a quick turnaround since it was January of this year that we officially knew our marriage wasn’t going to work out. I will never speak ill of my ex here on the site because what happened between us is private but I will say that the end of our marriage was a long time coming. So when it was officially over I didn’t need to go through a mourning process because I think I had already been through that a while ago. I did, however, struggle with feeling like being a single mom is not what I pictured for my life.
I mean, I’m sure everyone that gets married thinks you’ll be with that person for life and if you decide to have kids you’ll raise them together. Letting go of the picture I had in my head for how I wanted my life to be was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through this year. And I still struggle with this sometimes.
Even before our divorce was final I was thrust into a state of transition. We sold our family home and then I had 2 months before I was able to close on my new place so my 4-year-old and I ended up living with two different friends during those months. I was literally living every single day in survival mode. Between trying to still succeed at my job and making sure I was doing everything I could to help my daughter cope with these transitions, I had no emotional room left for anything else.
Needless to say, I’ve gain 30 pounds this year. Yes, 30. I haven’t figured out how to fit exercise in as a single mom and gained a lot of the weight while going through the divorce and living with my pals. Even though the divorce is done and I’m happily living in my new place with my awesome kid, my weight gain is really getting me down. Big time.
I also recently decided to gently put myself out there on a dating website and it’s bringing out insecurities I didn’t even know I had. Like, if someone finds out my full name and googles me, they will right away read all my pieces here on CT Working Moms, and I’ve written about some very personal topics (like my struggle with overeating). Aren’t I just going to scare people away right off the bat? And what about my weight? I feel like no one will be attracted to me physically because of my weight gain this year.
So I’ve realized that I’m not quite ready for online dating. I’m taking a step back from that for a while. It should be fun and I want to feel confident when I do put myself out there again. If it’s bringing up these insecurities I think that’s a sign the time isn’t now for this.
I’ve been through so much in 2015 but I do feel like I’m finding my true self again. And despite all of the trials of the year, it feels really good to be more authentically myself.