Here at Mom College, our primary goal is to provide you with the critical skills necessary for Mom Life. After graduating from Mom College, you will be armed with a wealth of knowledge so you can step into Mom World with your head held high, confident you can tackle anything Mom Life will throw at you. Our instructors are Master Moms eager to share their expertise with you because, after all, everything you need to know about being a mom can be taught in a classroom.
Cooking 201 – This course will teach you how to make healthy, well-balanced meals for your child to criticize, insult, fake vomit on, and throw on the ground. By the end of this course you will be able to expertly cut crust off bread, heat up chicken nuggets in record time, and form grilled cheese into perfectly bite-sized pieces using just your hands.
Required Lab: This course includes a Lab in which you will be expected to prepare a gourmet meal with a teething infant on your hip while a toddler screams and throws small plastic objects at you. Your grade will be based on your ability to dodge said plastic objects as well as the quality of your meal and well-being of the children.
Work/Life Balance 502 – In this advanced course you will learn to master a perfect work/life balance. Be prepared to take meticulous notes as you will learn to plan and execute your days in a way that will eliminate all sources of stress and allow you to accomplish everything. Then take those notes and throw them in the garbage.
American Literature 211 – In this course we will critique ‘If You Give a Mouse a Cookie’ by Laura Numeroff. Be prepared to answer questions such as:
- Why is the mouse never satisfied?
- In your opinion, is there anything tangible that would satiate him? Or is he searching for something less concrete, less superficial, something more abstract perhaps?
- What does the cookie represent?
- Could the “cookie” be a metaphor for the meaning of life? And if so, does the author offer an adequate resolution? Why or why not?
*Please note, despite being listed in the syllabus, the ‘Love You Forever’ by Robert Munsch portion has been postponed indefinitely as the course instructor has yet to master the skill of reading this piece without crying like a baby.
British Literature 213 – In this course we will explore ‘Winnie the Pooh’ by A. A. Milne in depth, discussing topics such as the root of Eeyore’s melancholy, Winnie the Pooh’s poor diet choices, and introduce a previously unpublished work that suggests the possibility of Tigger’s boundless energy being a result of illegal street drugs.
Basic Hygiene 101 – This is a two-part course. The first part will focus on your child’s hygiene where you will learn skills such as the nonchalant-butt-sniff, the finger-lick-face-wipe and signs to know when a bath is absolutely necessary. The second part will focus on your hygiene and will include lessons on how to look fabulous without showering and/or sleeping, how to maximize time between washing your hair and your yoga pants, and how to get ready for work without looking in the mirror.
Communications 301 – This course offers several different methods of communicating prevalent Mom phrases such as “stop hitting your brother,” “stop stepping on your brother,” “stop licking your brother,” “stop ninja-kicking your brother,” and the ever popular “GO TO FREAKIN BED.” We will also delve into deeper topics like delivering empty threats with conviction. In this section of the course we’ll examine such expressions as “I swear to God I will turn this car around,” and “That’s it. I’m calling Santa and telling him not to come to this house.”
Psychology 304 – This class will focus specifically on separation anxiety. We will discuss crying, sleepless nights, sadness, and apprehension. If time allows we will also address your child’s separation anxiety.
History of Fashion 212– Explore the history of the Mom Wardrobe in this course where we will study high-waisted, large-bottomed denim, sweaters with decorative accents, and what to do in the case of an emergency dress-up event. The final exam is a 700 word essay in which you are to provide solid arguments for extending maternity attire several years postpartum.
Don’t hesitate, classes are filling up quickly!
“Mom College: The Key to Getting the Upper Hand in Parenting”