Oh THIS YEAR. This year has been a doozy. It was January when my ex and I decided to start the divorce process. I’ve learned a lot over the past 10 months and wanted to share because I know so many of my fellow mamas have been through this too. If you’re going through a divorce right now or have in the past, I hope these words find you.
1. You will be OK. Whatever circumstances led to your divorce please, please know this. You will be OK in the end. I know that at times this seems absolutely impossible. I know that it can feel like your entire life is falling apart. Like it takes a giant amount of energy to survive a single day. Like it can feel hard to breathe in the rare moments you find yourself alone with your thoughts. But as you grieve and process what you’re going through, there will come a day that things feel a little easier. There will be a day when you think about your divorce just a little less. While the days often feel like time has slowed down, time is exactly what you need. Keep faith that this will get better, little by little.
2. Your kids will be OK. The absolute hardest part about making the decision to divorce was worrying about my daughter. I stayed in the relationship for as long as I did and did everything I could to make things better because I couldn’t imagine not seeing her every day. I remember many nights before we started the divorce process crying and crying about not tucking her into bed every night. About sometimes missing our nightly snuggle time. About how this would impact her emotionally. While I’m still working through the transition with her she has been much more resilient than I ever imagined. As long as your children know you are there for them no matter what and that you love them unconditionally and can provide stability in their lives, they will be OK. I promise you.
3. The weekends without your kids will be hard for a while. My ex and I have an every other weekend custody agreement. We’ve been doing the every other weekend thing since April and you’d think by now I’d handle my solo weekends better. But I don’t. I miss her almost every moment that she’s gone, But I want her to have a good relationship with her dad and I want them to have treasured time together. So I try to be gentle with myself on these weekends. I admit that I’m surprised it still hurts like hell but I hope in time, with more adjustment, I’ll handle our separation a little better.
4. You’ll find your pain comes out in weird ways. Ending a marriage requires you to go through a grieving process. A grieving of how you thought your life would be. And grief can be weird. I remember one day at work I had a strong emotional reaction to something incredibly silly and acted completely out of character. Thankfully my boss and co-workers are sensitive human beings and understood that I was out of sorts. I realized at that point that I needed to step back from my life responsibilities and take a little time off to try to heal.
5. Grief may come much later than you think. I thought I held myself together pretty well this year until recently. I survived selling my house, living with 2 different friends over a 2 month period and buying a new place. It wasn’t until I was settled in my condo and my daughter was settled in her new school that I began to feel depression creeping in. I was so upset with myself for feeling so down in life after I thought I held my shit together pretty well. But sometimes our bodies and minds wait until we’re in a position to really feel the feelings before they show up. Know this and be kind to yourself. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you find yourself struggling. A good therapist can make a world of difference.
Sending much love to my fellow mamas struggling with this journey. ♥