boy-all-alone-in-the-sand-looking-sadI can hear you Mom.  I know you don’t want me to because you’re talking in your whisper voice or in another room, but I hear you.  Even though I’m playing with my trains and you think I’m not listening, I am.  I hear you.  And I know.  I’m five years old now, so I know a lot.  I don’t understand all the words you’re saying.  I don’t know what divorce or custody mean but I know you’re angry.  One time, I was even on the stairs listening to you and Dad talk and you didn’t know I was there.  I heard you saying my name and my sister’s name a lot.  I heard words that I know are bad words because you tell me I’m not allowed to say them.


I know you are always tired because your face looks old. Older than the pictures when me and Sissy were little and your eyes were happy.  I know you’re scared.  I know because you have the same face I do when I see a monster on TV or when I think there is a ghost in my room.  When I’m scared I climb in your bed and you tell me “It’s ok baby.  I love you” and then I’m not scared anymore.  Are you sad because Dad doesn’t say that to you?


I know when we do a big family hug together you don’t want to be in it.  I know because when you hug me alone I feel your love.  When we are in a big family hug, I don’t feel your love.  I know you want to run away.  Like when Great Gramma hugs me tight and I don’t like how her shirt smells and I want to run away but I don’t.


I know the only time you are Real Mommy is when Dad isn’t home. When Dad is home you’re Robot Mom and you are extra happy and extra nice but when I see your smile I know it’s not a real smile.  It’s like when someone takes a picture and tells you to “say cheese.”  That’s what your smile is like.  I don’t like it.  That’s why I’m bad and I don’t share with my sister and I don’t put away my toys. That’s why I yell at you and don’t listen when you tell me to do something.  I want you to be Real Mommy.  I don’t want Robot Mom.


I can see you Mom.  I know that when you turn your head away from me it’s because you’re crying.  Why do you want to hide?  I don’t hide when I cry.  When I cry you say “It’s ok baby.  I love you” and then I stop crying.  Are you still crying because no one is doing that to you?


I know you Mom.  I know you’re so very sad.  I know you want to be happy but you’re not.  I am sad that you’re sad.  We are a team Mom, just like you tell me.  I know you love me and my sister.  I know you don’t love Dad.  I know when you say “everything is fine baby” you’re lying and lying is bad.  I am five years old, remember Mom?  I know a lot.