Two months pregnant and I’m letting down my kid.

I don’t really feel that way (maybe a tiny bit), but I’m afraid others might. Mommy forums and the mainstream culture are full of a narrative of being in love with your baby before it’s even morphed from embryo to fetus. I read a lot of gratitude for morning sickness and happiness to put up with anything out of a mother’s love.

Sorry, I’m not that perfect.

I actually don’t like feeling nauseous! I don’t like a lot about this first trimester and how much it is cutting back on my work time. I don’t like being out of control of my own body. I hate this exhaustion… and if I hate being really tired, I guess I’ll hate being a mom, right?

Here’s a really dark secret for you. I’ve wished to feel better. Which would basically mean wishing for a miscarriage.

I don’t let myself go too far down that road of beating myself up for being human, though. When you feel sick, you want to feel better. That’s normal. That’s OK. I know I am not going to magically transform into a selfless saint from my baby’s first breath, just like I didn’t at its conception. AND I can still be an awesome, loving mom who does make a lot of sacrifices for her kid. I don’t have to love every second of the crappy parts to love my future child. That is some crazy impossible standard for women.

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