So you’re thinking of getting pregnant? Congratulations! We’d love to offer you an amazing deal on your first trimesteFirst Trimesterr.

The miracle diet! Drop 20 pounds FAST! You’ve heard of pregnancy for weight gain but how about weight loss? That’s right, when you’re unable to eat, losing fluids through vomiting, and your sweet parasite is getting nutrition from your stored fat, you will shed those pounds. You’ll even lose blood through your nose, mouth, vag, and butt!

But don’t worry! You can keep your weight loss discreet with the included BLOATED BELLY!

Are you tired of feeling like a human? Bored with the monotony of daily functioning as an adult? The first trimester is for you! Lose your ability to stay awake through the day while simultaneously not being able to sleep past 2 AM every night. Without that food fuel coming in and all of the hormonal fluctuations, your brain will be functioning at the perfect capacity for not moving from the couch as you nap again.

I hadn’t had a good cry in so long and then I tried the first trimester! It unlocked all of the deep emotions I had apparently been harboring about every TV plotline involving romance. Jim and Pam on The Office? Apparently I had been really upset about their love for years without knowing it until I binge-watched it on Netflix sobbing during my first trimester.

Sure, silly crying over TV is one thing, but when was the last time you broke down crying to your partner about how you didn’t think you could make it another day like this? The first trimester can help you achieve that!

And don’t forget… Debilitating nausea! Yes, that classic symptom is back again with the latest version of the first trimester. It feels so amazing to get relief from it by throwing up daily though!

Haven’t been to the hospital in a while? Wait for hours in the ER to get two liters of fluids for your dehydration. Bonus: This way you got to go out of the house without having showered all week (of course you throw up if you shower!) and a homeless guy waiting with you at the ER can ask you if you’re homeless too.

Now, everyone will tell you it will be worth it in the end…but you have no way of knowing that! Since it’s your first pregnancy you don’t know how good having a baby at the end is. And by the end I mean of course six more months of pregnancy after you make it through this trimester. And since it’s the first trimester you’re not sure that you’ll get a baby at all. And it’s pretty hard to bond with a cluster of cells that isn’t human-looking or more than an inch long that is making you feel that way.

WARNING: This description is based on an exact sample size of one woman’s experience with our product. Your results may vary greatly. Also, getting to hear the heartbeat and see it moving around with a human face at the end of your first trimester does make it kind of worth it.