As we add years to our lives, inevitably, things change: seasons continue to come and go, trees grow taller, children grow bigger, people pass on, technology improves, relationships begin, and sadly, relationships end. Sometimes things are said in haste, sometimes mistakes are made, other times people, for no reason, simply just drift apart…
…this is a letter to my former best friend:
Two years since our last heart-to-heart. Two years since watching our children play together. Two years since homemade pizzas and beer. Two years since endless, hysterical memes. Two years since silent understanding. Two years since your undeniable support. Two years since 4 naked-hiney toddler bath parties. Two years since our mommy manis and pedis. Two years since tapas. Two years since top-down excursions. Two years since yacht club hang-outs and boat rides. Two years since drunk dinghy escapes. Two years since late-night Wendy’s pig-outs. Two years since I’ve heard your voice on my phone.
You were so much more than a friend to me. Being so far away from my family, you were more like a sister. You knew me inside and out. You knew what I loved to eat, what I loved to drink, what made me laugh, and you usually knew the next thing to come out of my mouth. You were the strong to my weak. You were the smart-ass to my kind. You were the health to my junk. You were the crazy to my shy. You were the fashion to my yoga pants. You were the fit to my fat. One look from across a crowded room and you knew exactly what I was thinking.
The last two years have brought weddings and pregnancies for our close friends, birthdays and years to our babies, deaths of loved ones, new friendships gained, and additional friendships lost.
The last two years have also brought an aching hole to my heart and to my soul. That empty hole that you used to fill missed my entire pregnancy of our youngest child: every excited milestone, every tear shed and fear felt, every vomit dry-heaved, to the amazing beautiful birth of our second son that only you would’ve appreciated and would’ve understood the enormity of…
The last two years have brought us a new home. A home that would’ve captured your heart and decorating eye. A home big enough for huge dinner parties and a large, open kitchen for whipping up whatever your heart so desired. I’ve had to do this all without you and although I’m sure you’d be so proud of me, it’s still not the same. Always know, that no matter what…you’re always welcome here.
The last two years have brought us extensive testing and a hospitalization for our baby boy…times that I truly needed you by my side the most. Moments that I found myself breathless, my heart racing, wanting and needing my best friend and instead, fighting the urge to burst into tears knowing you weren’t there…
The last two years have brought the fears, transitions, and change of Kindergarten for our oldest babies:
“Are they ready for this?”
“What are their teachers like?”
“Are they reading yet?”
“Have they made friends?”
“Do they seem happy?”
“Nobody better bully our babies!”
All of these make up the conversations I imagined we would’ve shared over the course of the last year…but, sadly, they never took place…
I miss you. I miss you so much. I want nothing more than to rekindle what we once had: late-night questionable, parent behavior, social media mommy war back-up, kitchen gossiping, crab rangoon making, St. Patty’s Day parades, and shopping sprees.
Oftentimes I find myself, phone poised, mid-text to you, when the realization hits me like a ton of bricks and I slowly lower my phone to my lap with a feeling of such sadness that it takes me a moment to get back up and go about my day.
We have been through more than most married couples. Our friendship may have hit a few bumps in the road and maybe one too many detours, but I believe in us. If you’ve taught me anything in the 13 years I’ve known you, it’s to never stop fighting for what I want. You’re way too important to me than having to accept this outcome. The few times we’ve run into each other over the last two years brings out in me such a strong gravitational pull to you, to see how you’ve been, to make sure you’re all ok and never once do my eyes leave the faces of your children. They’re beautiful. They’re no longer the babies of my memories.
This wasn’t how our friendship was supposed to go. It may have only been two years, but we still have an entire lifetime…I hope someday this letter finds it’s way to you, because somewhere out there a sweet, innocent girl is missing her better, prettier, healthier, crazier half…YOU!