The man I have spent the last ten years of my life with and I have decided to call it quits. We have decided to get divorced. So many people ask, “was there an event that led you here?” “Did things just fall apart?”

The simple answer is that I have known for a long time that our relationship would end in divorce.

There I said it. Yup, I knew. So maybe you already know what question people ask when they hear that. Yes, you guessed it. “Then why did you get married?” “Why did you have children?”

The answer though is not so simple. If it was a simple answer, would it help everyone else understand why we made this decision? I think not. Would it make it any easier for me? Nope.

Deciding with your spouse that you are going to divorce is a pretty fucking brave decision. The easier thing to do would be to suck it up and live miserably, but neither of us could do it anymore. There was too much dishonesty. Too much pain. Too much of changing who I was to be who he wanted me to be. Too much of me lost.

I never imagined the pain that would follow jointly making the decision to divorce. The decision was so raw, so authentic, so true, so right, so freeing. I felt high. I felt like my new life was in the palm of my hands, waiting to be molded. I never really thought about the pain that would creep up on me. Denial, maybe. Plans of a positive future moving forward, yes.

So then why does it hurt so bad? Damn does it hurt sometimes. I once read in a book that some of the greatest moments in life are not pleasant, not successful, not known and not positive. While this was absolutely the right decision for our family, I never imagined it could still hurt so bad. There is so much loss that gets experienced and has to be grieved.

I am learning to be kinder to myself, to allow myself to feel all the feelings and emotions, because after all they are mine to feel. I am learning it’s okay to cry because I miss his family, to cry because my kids don’t have us together, to cry because I don’t want to see him with someone else, to cry because I feel sad and overwhelmed. But, change and growth and beauty sometimes can’t happen without pain, andd that is okay.

 

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