Author: Holly Robinson

Simmer Down

I’ve had a sudden onset of migraines the past few months and while I’m working on the medical investigation part of it, I’ve had friends ask me, “could it be stress?” I keep saying, “no, how can it be stress? I have no more stress than usual.” And that’s fairly true. When this all started, life was status quo. I didn’t have any huge money concerns (other than the usual), no big relationship issues, no big work projects dumped on me, no major crises in my family or work life….it was just my usual everyday craziness. My status quo is a little stressful, but nothing major has changed. However, I’ve noticed that I’ve been on edge and more easily frustrated recently. I feel that I’m not so laid back lately and things are getting to be easily and quickly. And I don’t think that’s the normal me, but I could be wrong. I feel like a frying pan. I envision a skillet filled with oil. It’s constantly on a high temperature, only taking a little teeny item to make it sizzle and spew grease everywhere. I need to fix it. I need to cool that oil down. I’m not talking about taking a day off work to play golf or a “mental health day” to go to the spa. I’m talking about 5 minutes. Just 5-10 minutes every day....

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Missed Plays

  There are some parents that would move heaven and earth to see their kids play in every single event. Whether it be theater, music, sports, etc., many parents want to watch every. single. moment. I get that. I’m one of those moms. Our children grow ridiculously fast and it pains us parents to think about missing moments, especially big ones. I want to be on the sidelines to cheer for my boy and his team. I want to help motivate him/them when the going gets tough. I want to watch the great moments and carve them into my brain so I can remind him of this when he’s older. But I’m ready to take a step back. Reason # 1 – Me I am a mom. I have a job. I’m the primary breadwinner. I drive 60-80 minutes each way to work and work 8+ hour days. I am on our city board of education. I am on other volunteer boards in our area. I play golf and co-ed softball (sometimes). I blog for CTWorkingMoms. I have friends that I try to help and spend some time with occasionally. I want to do all of these other things. And I want to be able to focus my best energy and full attention at all of these other things. That means, sometimes things have to give. I cannot leave...

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Reconnecting Again and Again

I think and overthink my mothering all of the time. Am I too hard on them? Do I pay enough attention to them? Do I judge too quickly? Do I show my pride? Do I make them feel badly that they don’t have an artsy mom who bakes? Are they bummed about not having a dad? I’m not super cool, I’m not trendy, I’m not a fashionable or super crazy fun mom. I’m a mom who works a lot, over-commits her time to things, is terrible at budgeting, gets too anxious at ball games sometimes….I’m imperfect in so many ways. I worry about the long term affect of so many things, big or small. It’s ridiculous, this being responsible for the growth, development, well-being, safety and sanity of another human being. Sometimes, I think that having soon-to-be-20-yr-old twin stepdaughters has taught me something. And, I realize it truly has. Because I couldn’t give them much as a “parent”. But I think we did what we could and learned that the one thing we did give was love, belonging and connection. We promised them we’d always be here and we’d listen to them as judgment-free as possible (not an easy task and I wasn’t always successful at the judgment-free part). But we genuinely let them know they could trust us and would always be part of us. Then I flashed...

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“I suck” aka the gremlins of self-talk

I’m not sure how many times I’ve said that to myself in the midst of a colossal failure, or even a small misstep. “I’m an idiot” “I suck” “I’m terrible at this” “I can’t do anything right” – Pick one, I’ve said it to myself. I acknowledge this and I’m working on being more consciously aware of my own self-talk. But when I sat next to my 9 year old as he said it, it struck a chord in me so deep that I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I know I’m not the poster child for positive self-talk but I thought those demons were mine and mine alone to struggle with. I didn’t consider that my children may have the same torture. Now, many of you who actually know my son would say, “are you kidding me, that kid doesn’t have a low self esteem problem!” Right, he doesn’t have a self-esteem problem, maybe he does have a false confidence and bravado problem from time-to-time. But, this…this is different. We have voices (aka demons or gremlins) in our heads that only we can hear. Sometimes, the arrow on the meter with those voices can be very self-deprecating. It can be the person staring into a mirror thinking “OMG, I’m fat and pale and disgusting” or the kid at bat in a little league game thinking “you’ve...

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135 Days

I will be 40 in 135 days. I can’t say that I ever really put much thought or concern into age. I don’t care too much about birthdays. I had a tragedy on my 23rd birthday and each year when my birthday comes around, I’m a little indifferent, annoyed and angsty. But this is seeming a little different all of a sudden. It’s 40. 40 is the “new 30”, or the “new 20”, right? You should be “40 and fabulous”, right? All of this not caring about my age has changes a little now that I’m staring down 40. I don’t think 40 is old at all and I don’t have this “OMG I’M TURNING 40!” drama, I just think it’s a number that is worth some notice. The only reason I even think about it or even acknowledge the age now other than prior years is this: I’m in the most awful shape of my life. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t feel fabulous. And I want to. I belief in self-love and being kind to yourself but, honestly, I see a ton of work ahead for me to feel 40 and fabulous. I appreciate and am grateful for my health and the opportunity to be able to improve. But I need to be honest with myself as to where I’m starting from. Right now, I’m...

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