Author: Molly

Do I Love My Baby Enough?

I do love my baby, but I always heard it is supposed to be OVERWHELMING and UNBELIEVABLE and INCOMPARABLE. I don’t think we’re there yet. She’s only 3 months old and just beginning to be able to smile back at me and interact in the smallest ways. I know bonding can take some time with some moms and babies. I mean, screaming newborns are a class all their own. And you do have to get to know each other… Is something wrong when you’re justifying reasons why your love isn’t overwhelming enough? I like her. I think she’s wonderful....

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An Ode to the Most Beautiful State of Being

Dosing off. Getting your beauty rest. Catching a power nap. Stealing forty winks. Having some shut-eye. Sleep.   Oh, sleep. How do I express how much I love you? They all warned me “Sleep while you can!” and “Enjoy your last nights of sleep!” as they laughed, delighting in their schadenfraude. I rolled my eyes, knowing that of course I would get less sleep after the baby arrived and that it was impossible to stock up on this priceless commodity so there was no point in trying. If only there were a way to save you up, dear sleep,...

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Expect the Unexpected

I became a mom one month ago. Hard to believe it has been that long. I’m definitely not used to the title of parent or mother yet. At the same time, it feels like our baby has always been a part of our family and daily life. Nora arrived 25 days early, right in the middle of construction on her home-to-be. The hospital bag wasn’t packed, we hadn’t met with our doula, the maternity shoot was scheduled for a few days later. I didn’t believe it was real labor even after it had finished. It just couldn’t be! They kept telling me the baby was coming and I seriously thought they were lying even as she was crowning. As a first pregnancy I expected to go late like my sister-in-law and friends. But hey, I should have known to expect the unexpected. I thought a newborn would be awful. The screaming in the middle of the night – I didn’t know if I was cut out for it. The baby I got is already sleeping 5-hour stretches through the night and hardly ever cries except to call me in for a feeding when she wakes up. She is calm and happy and healthy. So I guess I should have expected the unexpected. I wanted to nest for weeks without visitors or work. I was back on email within 24...

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There Is No Way to Prepare

OK, there are ways to prepare. I have had the car seat installed by a professional. We’ve interview pediatricians and chosen one and registered with them. By next week the apartment will finally be done with the construction and we’ll have been able to set up the crib and everything else that’s been waiting to be moved in to the new baby’s room. We’ve read some books, had some conversations… But when I think about it there is nothing to really prepare us for what we’re about to go through. I don’t know when I’ll go into labor. I don’t know how my labor will go. I don’t know if breastfeeding will come easily to us. I don’t know if she’ll be colicky or a sleeper. I don’t know if I’ll feel depressed. I don’t know how treatment will go if I am. I don’t know if I’ll want to be in a cocoon with just my new tiny family or if I will want family stopping by to help. And I really don’t know what the years to come will bring. Such is the adventure! I have no idea when kind of person this baby will grow into. That’s scary and exciting, but there is really not a lot I can do to prepare. I am just being aware that anything can happen and trying — really trying,...

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I Can Barely Handle Pregnancy

Just when I thought my physical exhaustion was overwhelming, I realized my mental exhaustion was worse. I am so, so lucky and privileged. My work at this time is done from home and only takes a few hours a day, sometimes less. I am all set up for my work-at-home mom life and I haven’t needed to commute or anything during this whole pregnancy. (It was a lot more than a few hours a day in my first trimester but now I have a break between projects.) I’ve been able to nap whenever I want 7 days a week. I have no other children to take care of. I have a supportive partner and family. I have enough money for everything I need. My apartment is being expanded to make a bedroom for the baby and get a dishwasher, bathtub, and AC. And yet I feel like everything sucks. The renovations have already taken more than twice as long as they were supposed to with no end in sight. Of course they’re costing more than the estimate too. My mood swings are on the verge of making me non-functioning. I have nausea, heartburn, aches and pains, and all that regular pregnancy stuff. I’m not having sex. I am living with my aunt and uncle and their 3 pets while staying in their guest bedroom with our 3 pets. I...

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