Guilty: New mom who cries in the shower

Crying in the shower: “I can’t do this.” The hot water caresses your back as it drips over your face mixing with tears. It feels like everyone else has it together. They’re smiling in pictures like life a cake walk. They don’t look how you feel. And they talk about how much energy they have every. single. day. While you’re here sitting in doubt.. Motherhood. Some women make it look simple. Some make it look devastating. You…you cry in the shower. You sometimes feel like you aren’t doing a good enough job. At times, you don’t even know what...

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Simmer Down

I’ve had a sudden onset of migraines the past few months and while I’m working on the medical investigation part of it, I’ve had friends ask me, “could it be stress?” I keep saying, “no, how can it be stress? I have no more stress than usual.” And that’s fairly true. When this all started, life was status quo. I didn’t have any huge money concerns (other than the usual), no big relationship issues, no big work projects dumped on me, no major crises in my family or work life….it was just my usual everyday craziness. My status quo is a little stressful, but nothing major has changed. However, I’ve noticed that I’ve been on edge and more easily frustrated recently. I feel that I’m not so laid back lately and things are getting to be easily and quickly. And I don’t think that’s the normal me, but I could be wrong. I feel like a frying pan. I envision a skillet filled with oil. It’s constantly on a high temperature, only taking a little teeny item to make it sizzle and spew grease everywhere. I need to fix it. I need to cool that oil down. I’m not talking about taking a day off work to play golf or a “mental health day” to go to the spa. I’m talking about 5 minutes. Just 5-10 minutes every day....

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This is what family looks like

At the beginning of this past school year my son was asked to bring in pictures of his family to hang in his cubby. This had happened before when he had started at a different daycare, and will inevitably happen again when he starts Kindergarten this coming September. Every time it happens, I go through the same process of questioning and doubt in my head. What do I want Inti to convey to his classmates? How much explaining do I want him to have to take on? Will I be helping him feel comfortable with his non-traditional family by putting it all out there for everyone to see or will I be making him more subject to unnecessary bullying by forcing him to constantly answer questions about his family? Though he was born to a relatively “traditional” family, in terms of there being a father and mother, it was never really traditional by small town U.S. standards. A Bolivian father, a U.S.-born mother who frankly was more “Bolivia” than “U.S.”, two stepsisters, one who lived in Bolivia and one who lived in Chile. Several generations of parents and grandparents on both sides of the family who had been divorced, remarried, divorced again, remarried again, leading to a family tree of astronomical proportions (and a tremendous need for white-out). Now, Inti has all that same crazy family history, but he...

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Birthday Season

I am happy to report that with the celebration of my daughter’s third birthday last weekend our 2016 Birthday Season is officially over. My children’s birthdays occur in almost consecutive months (April, May, and July). You can typically find me mailing out thank you cards for one party along with the invitations to the next.  My kids don’t demand much other than they want to be celebrated and considering I grew up as part of a family where I always felt the coolest kid on the block for my birthday I get it.  Birthdays are fun!  Now, as a mom, I hold each of their birthdays as extraordinary events as they are anniversaries of times when I found a renewed sense of purpose.  I remember these moments while viewing pictures taken of me with a swollen belly and then a teeny baby.  I reread journals I wrote during the weeks leading up to each birth and through the exhausting first weeks home and can so hauntingly feel the same feelings of anticipation, joy, and contentment.  My heart is usually a bit tender, but I am always so thrilled to celebrate my babies and how much we’ve grown together every year. A lot has been written about birthday parties and the circular debate around the pressure and expectations for all of us to become professional event planners on behalf of our little ones.  As most moms are aware, it has...

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A Baby Comes Out of a Woman’s Vagina

Recently my 5-year old has enjoyed hearing stories about when I was pregnant with him.  He knows that he “grew in my belly” and he thinks it’s absolutely hilarious that he used to kick and punch me from the inside.  He is fascinated when I tell him that I used to see his little fists and elbows poking through my tummy.  So yesterday afternoon, driving home from Pre-K, the inevitable question arose.   “Mommy, how did I get out of your tummy?”   Dude.  I got this.   “Well, honey, Daddy and I went to the hospital and the doctor took...

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Rocks and Seashells

This past weekend our family went to “the Cape” for the first time. Full disclosure, both my husband and I have run through Cape Cod during a Ragnar Relay, but neither of us have stayed there or truly gotten to enjoy it’s beauty and atmosphere. And, this time we went as a family. The weather wasn’t too great, overcast and cool, but that didn’t stop us and we had a ball. At the ages of 7 and 4, my kids are non-stop action. On an average weekend day they take a half hour morning break to play make believe and a half hour afternoon break to watch a show. Other than that, they’re ready to go and our days are usually action packed. On Saturday, I got up early to get a little me time in and took a morning run to the beach. When I returned, breakfast was in full swing followed by a bike ride on the rail trail, trip to the farmers market, epoch game of mini golf, lunch, fun at the beach, (tv show), an adventure walk, dinner, and ice cream. One could say it was a full day. But it was also a happy day and one we won’t soon forget. My favorite part of the day was spent on the at the beach when we took a nice long walk along the harbor. After braving...

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‘How Do You Do It?’

I’m new to the CTWM community. Even though I may only know two of you outside of the digital world, I find myself relating to you, understanding you and feeling for you in a completely real way. Motherhood is its own accomplishment, it’s a well-deserved badge of honor. A Working Mother, however, takes it to a whole new level. We somehow have to find more time, more energy and successfully do more problem-solving and multi-tasking. For a start. How do we do that? Why do we do that? I get asked these questions ALL of the time. Having a lot of children, young ones at that, generates quite a bit of attention – everywhere and every day. Generally I don’t mind. I don’t move at a particularly fast pace with my ducklings in a row, so it’s just part of the process.   I always smile and say something polite to move things along. “Stay on task to stay on time” is our motto after all. But as the realm of blogging has entered my life, I keep circling back to those questions. In true lawyer fashion, I have answered the question with another question: What else would I be doing? My heart, soul and the air I breathe is for my children. My face hurts from smiling with pride when I think of all of their talents, quirks and beautiful...

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Elation, disbelief, surprise, fear, excitement, and…guilt?

I don’t even know how to begin to write this post, partly because I was unsure if I was going to write it in the first place. I suppose I should begin with…I’m pregnant.   Wait, let me start again—I’m PREGNANT!   That’s better. I think? I’ve been so on the fence about publicly sharing our happy news that it is hard to know how to say it. But, why?   Telling my husband was easy. Telling our families was just as easy, and fun. Talk about a surprise for everyone! We eagerly shared the news we didn’t think we’d have the chance to say again. Another baby!   Total elation and excitement, definite disbelief, surprise and fear. We’ve now been through all of the normal emotions of a new pregnancy. But, why the guilt?   I’ve been reluctant to share our news publicly, although most of me is dying to shout it from the rooftops. Why wouldn’t I want to celebrate this baby, just like we did with our first baby? Because we didn’t think there would be another baby. There wasn’t supposed to be another baby. Not easily, anyway. It shouldn’t have been possible. With the news of our infertility before Lenny was conceived, we were told that the likelihood we would conceive on our own was slim to none, a near impossibility.   After that initial...

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Moments of Clarity

Just over two years ago, my older brother took a redeye from California to Connecticut with my mother, ostensibly for a “visit” with her daughter and grandchildren.  My younger brother drove up from New York the night before and the two of us picked them up from the airport.  Without even stopping for breakfast, we drove 45 minutes or so to the nursing home where my mother would soon be living. After all the careful planning it took to get my mother to this point, not one of the three of us reasonably intelligent adults figured out how or when we were going to explain to my mother that her children had jointly determined that she could not live independently and, without her input, found her an appropriate assisted living facility. Of course, in her constantly confused state, this version of my mother did not recognize that, or why, we were at a nursing home.  In fact, sitting in the lobby, she asked if this was where I worked. Finally, sitting downstairs, in the locked memory care unit, with assistance from an administrator, we shared the news with my mother.  When my mother finally understood what was happening to her, tears rolled down her cheeks as she sat there, forcefully and repeatedly stating, “Not gonna happen.”  “This is not going to happen.”  “I am out of here.”  “I will...

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And then there was this guy: A birth story.

On the day of what should have been my little guy’s third birthday, I thought it only appropriate to share his birth story.  You may remember three years ago, when we suffered through a killer heatwave… that was exactly the same time I was due with my Jakey.  That was exactly the same time he decided to be two weeks late.  It only gets better from there.  It was also just four days before Kate Middletown had prince George so everyone was gaga over babies.  I had hope.  So much hope. I originally wrote this three years ago although it’s...

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