In Search of a Dull Moment

Apr 8, 2014 by

I am in search of the “dull moment” that, supposedly, there never is one of.  I like the idea of “never say never,” so we’ll just say I’m questing after that dull moment like it’s the Holy Grail.  Except the moment it arrives, I don’t know what to do with it.

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MUST.FILL.EMPTY.SPACE!  My wife will tell me to sit down, “it’s NOT normal!”  I’m not a great sitter.  Then there’s my mother-in-law, and next to her, I’m a slacker.  She not only is on her feet always and forever but there is no empty space.  Silence does not exist.  There is no such thing as pause.  Really.

What My Recent Emergencies Taught Me About Myself

Jan 27, 2014 by

A while back I blogged about my very traumatic birth experience. It’s been over 2.5 years since that difficult period of my life and yet I find that the trauma still lingers in unexpected ways.

This past October I had a random but very severe bloody nose. I was driving to an important work event, had just stopped home to shower and change into my fancy clothes and was minding my own business heading down to Southington. I had a cold but really was fine. All of the sudden I thought my nose was running so I grabbed a tissue only to discover I was bleeding. And profusely bleeding. It was like something I had never experienced. The blood was rushing out and nothing I did helped to control or stop it. Within a minute it was pouring out of the other nostril and I knew something was wrong.

Second Try at Breastfeeding

Dec 9, 2013 by

I had a tough go of it the first time around. After being “stuck” in the birth canal for about 4 hours, my daughter finally made it into the world. She failed pretty immediately to latch on. We soon figured out she was tongue-tied but the only local doctor that could help was in another country doing charity work and once he was back he was pretty booked up. I called daily, hoping someone would cancel and we’d be fit in. We went to a “baby chiropractor” for craniosacral therapy. She would latch on immediately after our sessions, but never again until the next one. I remember just breaking down when the therapist hugged me before one session – it was the motherly hug I’d needed, with my own mom so far away in Florida. I’d heard stories about blistered, bloody nipples, but not about a baby’s failure to latch. I tried and tried and tried, for weeks and weeks, shoving my breast into my daughter’s face. Her tiny head was smaller than my huge breast. All the while she screamed and screamed and I cried and cried. I would pump and my husband would do the finger feeding instead of starting her on the bottle so she wouldn’t get nipple confusion with the hope that one day she’d figure it out. He bonded with my baby while I sat strapped to the pump like a farm animal. We were holding out for the tongue tie snip – it was our cure-all. Except it cured nothing.

Words to Live By, Part II: What’s the Down Side?

Nov 19, 2013 by

Here’s another magical phrase for you all to use. This one focuses people and breaks them out of a downward spiral of negativity and doubt. You simply ask that ruminating, perseverating person, “OK, so what’s the down side to doing that?”

My Post PPD Fears

Nov 14, 2013 by

Overwhelming sadness. Alone. Irritable. Ashamed.

These are the words that come to mind when I think back to my struggle with postpartum depression three years ago. During those dark days I remember feeling so confused. I knew how lucky I was to have this beautiful baby, and how happy I should be, yet I began feeling the exact opposite as time went by. Feelings of hopelessness, despair, and even anger began taking over my brain. I felt so alone, whether I was sitting by myself at home or in a room filled with other people. No matter how hard I tried to force my emotions to match the fake smile I plastered on my face, it didn’t work. I convinced myself it wouldn’t be that much longer before I “snapped out of it.” I was so wrong. Days turned to weeks which turned into months of depression.

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