Pregnancy beautiful? Yeah right….


So here I am 8 months pregnant with only 5 weeks left and over the last year I have decided that all people who say pregnancy is a beautiful time are in fact BIG FAT LIARS. Do not get me wrong I am very excited for the arrival of our little one….but seriously how can someone claim everything we go through over 9 months is beautiful. Add a full time career onto this crazy change and it leads to a lot of issues.

Basically when I found out I was pregnant I realized there were going to be restrictions and things I needed to curtail for the safety of my baby (So doc you are telling me a whole bottle of red wine is not OK?) but I did not realize the list has more than quadrupled since my mother had us. Let’s see: no alcohol, no to little caffeine, no tanning, no ham, no cheese, no frozen yogurt, no face wash that will actually help clear acne, no fun, no life, no sleep, no…no….no! I literally got to the point where I was checking everything in fear that my child will come out with two heads.

I have been the lucky lady to have weird symptoms that do come up in books but only affect like 1 pregnant lady every ten years. First off I had hyperemesis gravadarum which basically means NON stop morning sickness or AKA dry heaving like a whale giving birth. I spent 10 days in the hospital looking like death warmed over totally unsure that this whole pregnancy thing was a good idea.

That finally subsided and for while I felt a lot better…but then my behind started changing the new white toilet bowls in my house PURPLE. Yup my pregnant crazy bum literally imprinted my behind onto out toilet seats! My doctor said it was due to the hormones and don’t even bother to replace them till I am finished having kids. Thanks Doc for letting me know my butt has powers to tattoo random places. Super power? The debate is still out on that one….

Then the wonderful itching started all over my body…I looked like a crack head withdrawing from an addiction. I would wake up in the morning with scratches all over my body, VERY SEXY!

Add constipation, headaches, insomnia and working full time! This is great when you are in sales and on the road all day…

So as a nice lady comes up to me and rubs my stomach and says “Oh you must be so happy, pregnancy is such a beautiful and magical time!” I reply “Uhhh no I actually feel like I am being punished but it’s too late now, LIAR, isn’t it!”

6 comments on “Pregnancy beautiful? Yeah right….”

  1. “yeah right” indeed!! i’ll never forget telling my husband about all of my strange symptoms only to have him find them to be real preggo things by doing google searches!! my oddest symptom? Having a stuffy nose the last 5 months of being preg!

  2. I was just saying how I wish there was pregnancy and baby book that actually said what REALLY happens. Though I love my boys more than anything and am happy to be a mother, pregnancy was ROUGH. Very rough. You’re almost there!! Both times, I was so incredibly relieved to not be pregnant anymore and have my body back to myself!! Hang in there 🙂

  3. Hahaha, I am so excited to become a mother and know it will be all worth it, but seriously could you feel less sexy in the process, LOL! Michelle I totally remember your little one giving your ribs a hard time!

  4. Oh my gosh, I have to admit I laughed through reading this, but only because I can totally relate. I was sick (naseua) day and night for 3 months and at the end of my pregnancy my baby was kicking my rib so hard she bruised it!! I literally set up a cot in my office and had to lay down every half hour to get her to move a little. I so feel your pain!!

  5. It’s almost over! Then that little baby will make you literally in time forget all of it! I promise. I can relate to some of what you are going through I too had the lovely almost entire pregnancy dry heaves and smell issues – I could not even go near our homes garbage the first 6 months – the smell of the lovely lemon scented bags sent me into a tail spin and straight to the bathroom – fix = leave garbage on counter for the hubby to place in can.
    I went through a lot and a Traumatic month early delivery complete with an ambulance ride at a different hospital, being delivered by strange doctors (not mine) and to be 100% honest – I have found myself lately thinking – (dare I whisper it) “I miss being pregnant!”

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