So here I am 8 months pregnant with only 5 weeks left and over the last year I have decided that all people who say pregnancy is a beautiful time are in fact BIG FAT LIARS. Do not get me wrong I am very excited for the arrival of our little one….but seriously how can someone claim everything we go through over 9 months is beautiful. Add a full time career onto this crazy change and it leads to a lot of issues.
Basically when I found out I was pregnant I realized there were going to be restrictions and things I needed to curtail for the safety of my baby (So doc you are telling me a whole bottle of red wine is not OK?) but I did not realize the list has more than quadrupled since my mother had us. Let’s see: no alcohol, no to little caffeine, no tanning, no ham, no cheese, no frozen yogurt, no face wash that will actually help clear acne, no fun, no life, no sleep, no…no….no! I literally got to the point where I was checking everything in fear that my child will come out with two heads.
I have been the lucky lady to have weird symptoms that do come up in books but only affect like 1 pregnant lady every ten years. First off I had hyperemesis gravadarum which basically means NON stop morning sickness or AKA dry heaving like a whale giving birth. I spent 10 days in the hospital looking like death warmed over totally unsure that this whole pregnancy thing was a good idea.
That finally subsided and for while I felt a lot better…but then my behind started changing the new white toilet bowls in my house PURPLE. Yup my pregnant crazy bum literally imprinted my behind onto out toilet seats! My doctor said it was due to the hormones and don’t even bother to replace them till I am finished having kids. Thanks Doc for letting me know my butt has powers to tattoo random places. Super power? The debate is still out on that one….
Then the wonderful itching started all over my body…I looked like a crack head withdrawing from an addiction. I would wake up in the morning with scratches all over my body, VERY SEXY!
Add constipation, headaches, insomnia and working full time! This is great when you are in sales and on the road all day…
So as a nice lady comes up to me and rubs my stomach and says “Oh you must be so happy, pregnancy is such a beautiful and magical time!” I reply “Uhhh no I actually feel like I am being punished but it’s too late now, LIAR, isn’t it!”