Becoming a mom has made me think about my own mortality.


How is it having a baby changes so much in your life?

Since my little man was born I have had this weird feeling of “what if something goes wrong and I die” A FEAR of leaving him alone!  Okay I know he wouldn’t technically be alone but the fear is real nonetheless.  It seems morbid but I can not seem to shake it.   I have even begun to think about writing a will and thinking about who I would want to guide over his life if his Dad and I were to both leave this earth.

Sometimes it grips me when I am driving home from work or when I am sitting rocking him to sleep.  

– Will he know how much I utterly Love him!

– Will he grow to be a Good, Strong, Honest, Respectful, Loving man?

– Who will teach him all the things I wanted to teach him?

– Will he know all the little things he has etched on my soul since he was born – probably not.

–  Who will tell him all about me and our time we had together and relive those memories with him – through pictures and keepsakes?

– Who would keeps his Mom’s spirit alive?

I am in no way ready to go anywhere – I want to live a long life and see this wonderful little boy grow into a man and have a family of his own one day.  I want to see all the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, the joyful and triumphant things his life will bring him.   Yes, it saddens me to think about it and to even type this, but I thought if I am having these thoughts then someone else may be also.  I can’t be alone in my thinking can I?

5 comments on “Becoming a mom has made me think about my own mortality.”

  1. Boy Joy, do you know how to write it! I just read your wonderful blog. YES!! I have been like that for the past 19 years!!!! And I still feel the same way.
    It’s also a lot of my hormones out of whack too. But I am still a mom and worry about everything no matter how old the kids are.

  2. This literally brought me to tears. And yes, I think about (worry about) this ALL the time!! I think it’s just a love that none of us has ever really known before. Something so beautiful, so real, so precious that we just want to protect it and them with everything we have, in every way we possibly can and the things that are out of our control that could possibly harm our babies scare the heck out of us! Also we know there is no one else on this earth who would ever love our babies like we do. No. One. Ever. will love you like your mommy and to take that away from our kids is the scariest thing imaginable. BUT we have to remember to keep things in perspective and know that as long as we are loving our babies as much as we can and being the best moms we know how to be, they will always know. No matter what. Enjoy each moment and (try not to) don’t worry about tomorrow…

  3. Joy,

    I think it all comes with being a mom…. I have to say. I still have the same thoughts and feeling and Christian is turning 14 in two days… It came on stronger once I gave birth to Moriah.

    I started a journal (one for each child) that I write in at least once a month. Id like to write more often BUT I just cant find the time every single day… and I write to each of them… My praises to them, my love, my hopes for them. I plan on one day giving them the journals so that when they are adults. I do not do this for the ‘what if’ I do this because I want my children to know (really know) how much I love them and I pray that one day they;; know and appreciate it.


  4. I could have written this exact post! I have been thinking A LOT about this lately, I don’t know why. I brought it up with a pal of mine who is in pscyhology and she said it’s totally normal for moms, especially new moms, to think a lot about their mortality. You are not alone. Sometimes I find myself having a sort of anxiety attack about it. I’m there with you!

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