Is it wine o’clock yet?

37 comments

Sometimes I have a day. You know. One of THOSE days. Where the hours fly past at a whirlwind pace and by the time the dust settles I can’t even believe everything that’s happened and that DAMN, this parenting schtick is hard.

We’re all friends here, right? Well, since we are, I’m going to share an email I sent to my girls about a day I recently had. You know. A DAY.

(I’ve starred out the million curse words so as not to taint your image of me. Or something.)

Ladies,

A little background: I am on a contract position that was SUPPOSED to go until October, but due to situations outside of my manager’s control, my contract is ending on the 29th of this month. You know, IN TWO WEEKS. Also, I just started two weeks ago. ANYWAY…

So, now I remember what full time work feels like:

Up at 6am after being up for two hours overnight NOT because of the baby (for once), but because of a pounding headache and sore throat that has carried through till morning.
Shower and throw on clean clothes and flip flops (pack work shoes). Hair in a bun. But, earrings, so hey, FANCY.
Wake, wash, dress, feed and pack the kids into the Jeep and send them off with husband.
Pour coffee. Put on makeup and jump in the car at 7:30am. Forget coffee.
Get to work. Work all day in an uncomfortable environment because well, OBVIOUSLY.
12:45pm leave work for “lunch” which just means go to Joann’s to get favors for toddler’s birthday party.
Eat a Snickers bar in the car on the way back to the office.
Leave at 4:45pm. Go grocery shopping at two different stores to stay within ridiculous budget.
Speed to daycare to get there for 5:50pm (they close at 6pm). Fetch baby, who will NOT let you pack up her stuff without holding her. Go into toddler’s room who is engrossed in a farm game and does NOT WISH TO LEAVE. Pack her stuff, try to hustle her out, she flops on the floor in hysterics. Baby starts wailing. It’s 6pm. We are the last people there. Bribe toddler with treats (you know, to reward her STELLAR behavior) to get her to the car.
Throw graham crackers at children as you drive home while talking on your cell phone to recruiter to set up interviews for the following week. WINNING all kinds of safety and parenting awards.
Get home at 6:15pm. Change baby’s diaper. Throw her in highchair with milk while toddler cries because she wants to PLAY OUTSIIIIIIDE. Force husband to start grill because OMG FEED THESE CHILDREN NOW.
Put groceries away while chucking cheese and deli turkey at STARVING BABY. Swear at crying cat.
When husband asks if the salad is ready to go with our hotdogs, try to resist sarcastic response (and fail, sigh), grit teeth and tell him to put them on the grill and YOU’LL MAKE IT NOW.
Feed toddler strawberries and a hotdog and then also feed baby strawberries because OMG MUST HAVE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW I’M STARVING DON’T LET ME STARVE DON’T YOU EVEN LOVE ME?!
Make salad while children eat. Realize missing key ingredient. F*** it. Open a beer.
Wash up baby and give her to husband to deal with while sitting with toddler who is now creating a play with pieces of hotdog and straw from juice box. Inhale hotdog and sh***y salad.
Take toddler outside to spin around the driveway on new trike from auntie for eating all of her dinner. Water flowers.
Bring wailing toddler inside (She wants to play OOUUUUTSIIIIIDEEEE!) and realize it’s 7:30pm. Run bath for toddler, and instruct husband to get milk for baby while you change a diaper, giving baby medicine and putting pajamas on her.
Encounter sneak poop diaper, yell to husband for backup: HELP! TURN TUB OFF BEFORE IT OVERFLOWS!!!
Husband turns off water and chases toddler around in game of hide and seek, much to the delight of toddler but thwarting your effort to herd toddler into bathroom, get undressed, go potty and GET IN THE MOTHERF****** TUB.
Get milk for baby.
Trade children with husband. He puts baby to bed, you give toddler a bath.
For a half hour because LA LA LAAAAAA SHE’S IN THE TUB AND I CAN SURF THE WEB ON MY PHONE AND DRINK SOME SIPS OF MY BEEEEER… and then clean the bathroom.
Dry toddler, pullup, brush teeth, floss, lotion, jammies, downstairs for a show while you:
unpack daycare bag, empty dishwasher, fill dishwasher, clean up kitchen, clean up dining room, get coffee ready and sweep the floor.
Remind husband that it’s his turn for bedtime and that it’s 8:35 so…
Give wailing toddler milk as bribe to OMFG LET YOUR FATHER READ YOU A G** DAMNED BOOK, PLEASE.
Pour generous glass of wine.
Make lunches for tomorrow. Pack daycare bags. Set out clothes.
9pm: go downstairs. Clean up playroom. Vacuum because who the f*** knows what’s on that rug.
Feed pain in the ass cat.
9:20pm: WRITE THIS EMAIL.

DISCLAIMER: I do try to feed my children healthier food than hotdogs. My little one? She’d eat anything you give her. Broccoli? Yes! Kale? SURE! Grass-fed poultry? DON’T MIND IF I DO! The three-year-old? Well, let’s just say thank God for The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog, because now we can add hot dogs to her list of five acceptable foods. Sigh.

37 comments on “Is it wine o’clock yet?”

  1. So funny! I remember those days, I had twins then two years later one more, all boys. Now my twins are 20 and my youngest is 18 and I remember having LOTS of playdates with neighbors and also opening a few bottles of wine also 😉 But before you know it they become pretty independent and you get more and more time. And then you wonder how it went by so fast!

  2. Great piece! Hilarious, although I’m sure it was far from funny at the time. Thanks for being so honest; helps provide some perspective for us new moms.

  3. Loved it! I’m starting my day with a smile on my face due to your post . It’s great to see my lovely life is as complicated and stressful as yours . Keep the good work ! 🙂

  4. Melissa, you’re right. We all are. That’s what makes this life so wonderful. Our silly, amazing babies… And sometimes wine, too.

  5. I remember those days….I used to bribe my kids with chocolate to get them into the van so we could leave for school! No worries, they are 13 and 15 now and I never have to bribe them to do things now…they are turning out great! However, this summer is very boring…no more field trips to the pool, playgrounds and children’s museums. It goes so FAST!!

  6. Have you been sneaking up on me? Seriously, hidden camera in my house? THIS IS MY LIFE. Glad to know I’m not the only one… Thank you!!!!!

  7. I’m soooo happy to see someone else out there is just like me! Thank you for the laughs!
    And Thanks to all you ladies for this website, saw you on GMA and am happy finally someone has the balls to put up what REAL WOMAN look like and go threw.

  8. Omg,that is a day in the life of me! I have three kids,so thankfully I have a supporting husband who can help with the outnumberedness.lol

  9. I am so glad, someone goes through almost the same thing as me- I just had my 2nd child and the day and chores never end!! Thanks for your honesty in writing this piece- I need to show to my hubby!! 🙂

  10. Thanks, Carolyn! So glad one of Audrey’s partners in crime has such an awesome mom. 😉 Oh, and CLEARLY not much is TMI here!!

  11. i love this i love this i love this!! i love that i can read it all over again!! and laugh my butt off!! My favorite is still “Feed _sshole cat” i’m dying over here! and btw, right now, hot dogs are also one of jake’s top 5 foods. lord help me.

  12. Hi Stephanie! It is SO funny because I just noticed the bumper sticker on a car in the parking lot at pick-up the other day (I’m guessing your car!) and thought – hey I read that blog! I was a little behind in my reading because let’s get serious days are BUSY when you’re a working mom. But then last night, I was reading while pumping (tmi?) and thought – oh HERE is a post title for me! So I just looked to see more about who this hysterical blogger is, and our babies go to daycare together!!! 🙂 I’m Alexa’s mom, Carolyn. Great post!!!

  13. Thank you, that totally made my morning and reminded me that I’m not the only one in this (and I only have 1 child…but throw in an ex-husband, a new live-in boyfriend and I think you can understand). 🙂

  14. Love your spin on this and making all of us realize we are not alone and not crazy.

    My daughter always screams to go “OUTSIDE” and never wants in; no matter what the weather. I am so happy our neighbors are not close to us, they would think we lock her up all day.

  15. The story of my life except add a Dog, 2 fishes and 45 min commute to and from to work. I don’t drink alcohol very often. But just yesterday I decided to buy some wine just for me! Because I have 15 years of this routine to go :). Glad I am not alone.

  16. I so appreciate this!!!!! I just had my third child and I go back to work in a few weeks. I am dreading the “dance” work, pumping , pick up. This made me smile and realize I’m surely not alone and not the only one who swears at the cat!! Thank you!

  17. Wine cures all! Ps? My days, with one child who is somewhat more self sufficient, are still like this. Although getting easier. Hang in there, and keep the wine/ beer handy….

  18. Lol! Isn’t every day a variation of this?
    A sense of humor is a must & you have a great one ;).
    Looking forward to wine time tonight!!!

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