My husband recently started seeing a woman named Darci. She has been giving him the kind of support and discipline I simply cannot provide. They have regularly scheduled phone calls that usually last an hour and she makes him keep a journal that only she is allowed to read. I’m starting to see a change in my husband’s attitude. If ever I see this Darci woman in person, I’ll have this to say to her: “Thank you – you’ve helped improve my marriage.”
Darci is a professional performance coach for financial advisors, but some of her insights can benefit anyone. For example, as part of Darci’s training program, my husband had to read the book, The People Code, by Dr. Taylor Hartman. The book’s premise centers on the Hartman Personality Profile. Personalities are divided into four colors: Red (the power wielders), Blue (the do-gooders), White (the peacekeepers), and Yellow (the fun lovers). A 45-question test assesses one’s color.
One night as I was putting our two-year-old to bed, my husband was quiet and completely engrossed in this book. I thought he was ditching his parental duties for the night, but it turns out he was taking Dr. Hartman’s personality assessment and told me I should take it. I very willingly agreed as I love taking personality tests like Myers-Briggs (I’m an ENTP) and reading horoscopes (I’m a Taurus and hubs is a Gemini which supposedly makes us incompatible. Oh well!). The results concluded that I am a BLUE (the do-gooder) and my husband is a RED (the power-wielder). As we each read the other’s color description we kept saying things like “Oh this is SO you!” or “Now I get why you do THAT!” We felt a rush of relief, for it seemed as if we found the Rosetta Stone for our relationship.
I’m not saying that we took one personality test and we now have each other completely figured out and will live happily ever after without any conflict. However, the realization that my husband acts a certain way because that is his very nature, was eye-opening. It finally clicked. I shouldn’t be offended when he’s antsy and wants to get the heck out of the house. Or the fact we have to constantly be doing something on the weekend, while I just want to relax on the couch after a long work-week. As a blue who tends to be suspicious of others, I assumed he was bored with our life as parents. When in reality, what makes Mr. Red happy is to be busy and feel productive all the freaking time.
As I read all the color descriptions, other people in my life started to make a little more sense to me too. For example, I shouldn’t be mad at certain family-members-who-shall-remain-nameless for neglecting to ask me if I wanted more mashed potatoes as he/she is scooping them onto their plate during Thanksgiving dinner. As a yellow, he/she just assumed I am perfectly capable of getting it myself. It’s not because he/she thought my thighs are getting bigger, or that their goal in life is to snub me. It’s because the thought never even occurred in their mind to ask.
And, of course, I wonder what color the little light of our lives is. Right now she seems to be a combination of all four.
Power-Wielder: Her parents will do most anything for her to keep her happy and healthy.
Do-gooder: She’s always quick to help her friends and does it with a smile.
Peacekeeper: If I raise my voice for any reason, she says “Stop mommy, you are being fresh.”
Fun-lover: Has a blast dancing naked to the Fresh Beat Band.
This book has helped me to be a little less critical (I can’t help it, I’m a blue!) of myself and others. It’s a small tool to help navigate marriage and family, but half the fun is trying to figure out these awesome creatures in our life. Isn’t it? It also reminds me “to thine own self be true” but be good to your partner too. Thanks Darci!