Questioning everything, period.

8 comments

Six weeks ago, I got my period.

In and of itself, this doesn’t seem particularly noteworthy, but let me explain why it’s making headlines over here.

When we were trying to get pregnant, I, well…couldn’t. It became clear early on after coming off of birth control that something was up, because I just wouldn’t get my period. Like ever. And you can’t get pregnant without ovulating and a cycle. We tried to jumpstart my body several times by inducing my period, in an effort to kick my ovaries in the butt and release an egg. It just never happened. We knew very quickly that we were moving my anovulatory body on to an infertility specialist.

And in the end, we were fortunate. I responded well to our first round of Clomid – a medicine that helps you ovulate – and we conceived Nora. And every day I’m grateful for the staff at UConn, the sore and bruised arm from daily blood work, the painful, invasive and seemingly endless tests and ultrasounds, and the side effects from the medication, because in the end, we have this beautiful gift:

nora

As I’ve mentioned several times before, we think we might be done with having kids. Not because we don’t like being parents – I’m pretty sure becoming a mom is the best thing I’ve ever done – but because we feel like our family is complete as a trio. And I’m not gonna lie, I think the idea of going through those treatments again does play a tiny part in that decision. While we only had to go through the very beginnings of a long line of options to work with infertility issues, it does take some consideration to decide if you want to do it all again.

It was no surprise that my period didn’t return after having the baby, given my history. So imagine my shock that morning six weeks ago when I realized what was going on (thank goodness I was at home and not caught unprepared in public somewhere!). There it was, out of the blue, 19 months after giving birth.

I didn’t want to get my hopes up. For all I knew it could have been a fluke. Or maybe some other sort of bleeding I should have been more worried about. And yet I spent that week with the what-ifs. What if I had actually ovulated? What if my body “fixed” itself after having a baby? I’d heard of it happening to others, after all. But you don’t think about it happening for you.

All of a sudden I found myself thinking about the possibility of another baby. If it were true, and I ovulated on my own without medical intervention, am I depriving myself of the experience of conceiving a child without involving doctors, specialists, medication and tests? The thought has been weighing heavy on my mind.

This week my period came again. And with this new cycle comes too another cycle of questioning everything. I can’t say I’ve changed my mind on expanding our family, but the thought sure lingers. I won’t really know for sure what’s going on with my body until I see my doctor to discuss it, and I haven’t planned to do that. So for now, I’m going to take this for what it is and see it as positive…period.

8 comments on “Questioning everything, period.”

  1. Alice W – there’s no first prize for grief, whatever the scale of it. What she still feels is pain, pure and simple. The same as you.

  2. Oh, please, how can you begin to understand the process of infertility or the sorrow that comes with being infertile if your only experience is one round of clomid and you actually conceived! Give me a break, all the test and scans etc, you probably would have had one blood test and then one internal scan!! You should be more sensitive to those other women or your ‘sisters’ who are so beyond what you have experienced! And I can speak from personal experience being only 29 and just completed my 5th cycle of clomid after one miscarriage. I now have to commence the IVF process. so please don’t crap on about ‘oh poor me and my experience!’ Your blog would only make those in my position feel worse especially as you have 2 children. Get over yourself and self indulgent rubbish, daily life should not have published your article ‘ 5 stages of grief re infertility’ how the hell would you know. I will definitely not be returning to this blog and will be encouraging other young women in my position to give it a big miss!

    1. Alice W I think you are confused. Christa, the author is this piece, is NOT the author of the piece The Daily Life just put out. That was written by Gena Golas and all her pieces can be found here: https://ctworkingmoms.com/gena-golas/. Secondly, CTWorkingMoms is a place of compassion, support and non-judgement and your comment does not fit within those parameters. If you choose to leave any additional comments please make sure they are coming from a place of support and not anger. Thank you in advance.

  3. While I am really happy for you that your body seems to be finding it’s way to healing, I can’t I imagine how how it must be for you as you decide “what next?”Just give yourself time. You have such a good heart, I’m pretty confident you’ll make the right decision for you and your family. Hugs mama!

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