A version of this post was originally published here.
This post is most likely going to infuriate a lot of people, but it will hopefully help a lot of people also. And so I go forward. I realize this is a very touchy subject and people will have lots of reactions both good and bad. Please share your experience in the comments, but please be kind.
When I told Honey that I got a gig writing a blog here he asked me what I would be writing about. When I told him I could write about almost anything he asked, “Will you write about breastfeeding?” I guess my answer is yes.
Let me be clear. I am not a formula feeding advocate. I’m not a breast-feeding advocate. I am a positive mothering experience advocate. Period. And for some women (myself included) breastfeeding is not a positive experience. For me, it was easily the most traumatic thing I’ve experienced in my adult life.
My oldest daughter was born with a Torticolis and a nerve defect in her lip that until recently was thought to be Crying Facies Syndrome but in actuality was a Congenital Unilateral Lower Lip Paralysis. The torticolis was diagnosed at two months old, after we had stopped trying to breastfeed. I was told by a neurologist when she was six months old that her nerve defect would have made it nearly impossible for her to have an effective latch. Yet I still tried everything I could for as long as I could with the help of my doctor (a family practitioner who treats all of us), lactation consultants, books, videos, and support from friends.
The process of trying to get her to feed took up to two hours. Every time. 24 hours a day. We would try to get her to latch and she would scream in pain, and I would cry, and Honey would offer support for up to fifteen minutes. Lovey would latch for a minute or two until she would come off with a look that can only be described as agony. Then Honey would get a finger feeding syringe and continue the feeding while I pumped. And cried. This went on for ten excruciatingly long days. And in another part of my life, my mother in-law was dying. But still I tried.
The advice I got from people was mostly supportive. No one ever told me that this just might not be possible for us even though I asked the question to everyone I could, praying that someone would tell me it was okay if it didn’t work out. Some well-meaning people said some incredibly hurtful things. One person told me that I should try harder because women have done this for millions of years and I could, too. Another older woman (who in her generation was told that breastfeeding was BAD for babies) said that nighttime feedings were her happiest memories as a mother and I should try to enjoy it more. Finally my doctor gave me the advice that changed my life and said what I needed to hear most: “When any of the three of you feel like you have had enough, that’s when it’s time to stop trying. The health of your family is what is most important.” And so I waved my white flag and stopped trying to get Lovey to latch. I did continue pumping for 14 weeks because society has made women feel like failures for not giving their children breast milk. The breast is best message is EVERYWHERE. It’s even on the label for the formula.
When my second daughter was born I told myself I would try again because after all “Breast is best.” She was a good latcher but she had a bit of trouble. The problem was me. Trying to breastfeed her gave me the same reaction I can only imagine a war veteran has when they hear a car back fire. I panicked about every little thing that was going on. Was she latched correctly, was she getting enough, was I doing it right? And I should add, every time I breast-fed her Lovey would have a world’s biggest tantrum. She would fall to the floor and scream and kick her feet through the whole feeding. Sure does help with the let down! This time, Honey had to return to work and so I was alone in my journey. Therefore, once more, I made a decision that what was best for the health of my family was formula.
I don’t regret the choices I made for my family. What I do regret is that I was swayed by popular opinion to do what I was “supposed” to do and not listen to what my body, my brain, and my heart were telling me to do. After my experience with Lovey, I made a vow to myself and to other women to be honest about breastfeeding. There is simply not enough education about it out there. You are in the process of picking out a pediatrician, are you really thinking of sitting down with this person and asking tough questions about your breast and mental health as they pertain to your unborn child? Probably not. Out of curiosity while updating this post I looked up “breastfeeding problems” on Google today and got over 400,000 hits. I looked up “facial nerve defect and breastfeeding” and came up with two, from the same source.
And so, the responsibility falls to us as women to educate other women in an honest and open way about all of it. Not just the “it was an incredible bonding experience” and “it’s the most wonderful feeling” and “I lost all my baby weight.” The sore, bloody nipples. The sleepless nights. The marathon feeding sessions. The stress and trauma of trying to feed your baby in the early weeks. It’s not for everyone. I applaud those of you who push through and respect your decision. But please in turn respect mine. The women I know who didn’t breastfeed talk about it in secret because the women who did and are advocates for it are so vocal. That is OK; be vocal about an experience that was positive for you, but allow those for whom it wasn’t positive to be vocal too. That way we as women can help effectively educate future mothers about every detail that is involved with feeding your infant. That, I’m sure we can all agree, is what’s best.
CT Working Moms 
[…] My husband certainly loves them. My kids do too, even though I never really got the hang of using them as a food source. Kitten will sit in my lap and knead my chest like […]
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This reminds me of the guilt we working moms endure, for having made the choice to work and place our children in daycare. ALL THAT JUDGING, but worse, all that self-flagellation. I can assure you that when your children are applying to college, there is no question on the application that asks: “Did your mother breast feed you?” thereby guaranteeing acceptance at top schools. IT JUST DOESN’T COME UP in the rest of one’s life. I can’t think of a time when a doctor said to me, “Oh, you must have been bottle-fed, because you have allergies and you’re overweight.” Nope. Never again does this issue come up. We are all DOING IT TO OURSELVES, and we gotta find a way to stop.
I breastfed MOS-32 for 7 months, after starving him for 2 weeks because I didn’t know what the heck I was doing. MYS-27, on the other hand, fought with me constantly about breast-feeding and after 4 months, I finally gave up. I found out years later that he had poor mouth muscle tone which made him prefer the bottle (not as much work to get a result).
However, the whole time with both of them, I couldn’t help thinking that this was some man-created MANdate designed to keep us from having an independent life. If you can’t leave your baby for more than 2 hours, it does kind of constrict your world. Even with pumping, freedom is short-lived because (at least in my case), it took me all the time between feedings to do the pumping. I never really got ahead of the demand.
Since my generation was not breast-fed (and my parents were horrified every time I whipped out my tata), I wonder what makes these ABSOLUTE FACTS go in and out of style. Is it scientific or just fad, or even political?
Just as knowing that working and using your mind makes you a better, happier, more sane mom, the same goes for breast-feeding or any other choice (and there are many more yet to come along the way, ladies). We must strive to embrace freedom of choice as much as possible and support each other, because who among us doesn’t want to do her very best? We all do!
Kudos to Cora for bringing this topic into the light.
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I should also add that both times I had incredibly supportive nurses and lactation consultants in the hospital. For my oldest her problems didn’t start until aftery milk came in and we were home.
Alexis, to answer your question: I think BFing supporters need to let moms know that they will support whatever decision they make and talk them through either option. We have a mutual friend who I consider a BFing expert who was incredibly supportive in either helping me continue with my second or helping me stop. Never once did I feel judged. Support without judgement, that’s what all moms need.
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Wonderful post and what a great sentiment for all moms first or second time. I think it is always important to keep in mind that plans are plans, but when it comes to what really happens we aren’t always fully in control. (I’m an extended bf’er who advocates for BFing but also realizes that is isn’t for all people/families and doesn’t judge personal choice).
As someone who advocates for and enjoys supporting mama’s as they journey through BFing one thing I find difficult is how to best support a mom as she makes that decisions. Often it is hard to know when to continue to provide help/advice/information on continued breastfeeding (or attempting) and when to say it is ok to try formula instead. People can have adverse reactions to both forms of support.
I hope that your post helps a mama struggling with breastfeeding to hear and understand how important it is for her to make a decisions that is best for her and her family, not be shamed or embarrassed to choose something else.
Thanks for posting!
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Thank you so much to all the beautiful moms who took the time to leave comments about their breastfeeding experiences both positive and negative. In the end that was my goal. I agree that this is not an either or debate and no one should be made to feel less than because they had a good or bad experience. My sister in-law was a joyous breast feeder for whom it always seemed to be easy. I also agree that there just isn’t enough education or support in those early weeks for breastfeeding moms, but that change needs to be a cultural one. My hope is that new mothers will read this and have more information about some of the trials of breastfeeding before they go into it and will know that good support (like this website) is out there, if they just look for it.
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Oh, and on another note, I would say from the comments above that, rather than infuriating a lot of people, your post was found helpful by a lot of people, as you did accurately predict! So great job! 🙂
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Cora, I’m sorry you had this experience. I just want to note that I think Dena’s comment above is important. There is such a lack of information, and general lack of support, for breastfeeding, to the extent that you see women not even trying to breastfeed — I mean, deciding while they are still pregnant that they will just stock up on formula and not even try, because they think it’s icky or whatever — and that is truly a tragedy. I do agree that the truth about breastfeeding should be made known: that it can be difficult, and that for some families, formula is truly best because of physiological issues, mental health issues, etc. But for every story I hear about a nurse in the hospital who pushed breastfeeding on a mom who couldn’t handle it, I hear a lot more stories about nurses in the hospital who pushed formula when the mom wanted to exclusively breastfeed. It happened to a friend of mine, who expressly said she wanted to pump around the clock and give her premature baby expressed milk when she couldn’t nurse — the hospital staff overrode her wishes and gave formula because they decided their judgment was wiser than the mother’s. Also, I do wonder, from all the stories I hear about women who feel they were judged for using formula, whether sometimes we tend to read too much into other people’s statements. Yes, it’s annoying to hear “breast is best,” but those ads are not targeted toward women with true medical problems who have tried but just can’t breastfeed, or at least can’t do so without sacrificing quality of life, etc. Those ads are targeted toward members of the community who just haven’t been educated about the benefits of breastfeeding. I had trouble, at first, nursing my second child, which was shocking because I had no problems the first time. I wanted to keep going, but if at any point I felt that I couldn’t take it anymore, I would have quit, and I know I would have had the support of family and friends. So in my case, I don’t think I would have worried about getting anyone’s “permission” to use formula, but I can see how YMMV on this.
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Very well done! Medically and nutritionally speaking, I am a believer that “Breast is Best,” which is why I chose to breastfeed my kids…. I fully support moms who choose otherwise, for whatever reason, but I am also very concerned with the lack of info and support that moms are actually given on breastfeeding.
I remember taking the 1 hour class thinking I knew what to expect, and then ACTUALLY doing it and feeling like I was set up to fail! This is supposed to be the most NATURAL thing in the world to do, why is it so HARD?!? The phrase that stuck out to me during those first 2 weeks was , “If you are doing it right, then it shouldn’t hurt!” Well, bullshit, anything that sucks on your tits for 12 hours a day it going to fucking hurt! I was very fortunate to have a visiting nurse come to the house the first few weeks (thanks to great health insurance) and a friend or two who were part of a family who were bf-ing for generations. They knew more than the lactation consultant and her catchy (ominous) phrase! I worried too that the baby was not getting “anything” and was starving, but was assured by my pediatrician and friends that the colostrum was more than enough for babies until the milk came in- I will also say that with my second baby, the new recommendations for the first doc appt had been moved up earlier, before my milk had come in and Ava had lost about 10% of her birth weight at that point. My ped recognized this, but just had me come in for a weight check in a couple of days after my milk came in and she gained almost a pound in a few days! Like I said, I do not begrudge anyone who chooses to formula feed, but I wish there were better mainstream resources and information for women who DO choose to breastfeed. Not everyone has access to, or the ability to seek out alternative info, and depends on the hospital/ob/pediatrician for the best support.
All that being said, that support also includes telling moms and recognizing when it is time to say, “this isn’t working,” whether clinically or mentally. Motherhood is such a hard job, and I am so glad that we have this website to all support one and other!
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Awesome post! I have flat nipples so have had a very hard time with breast feeding. My daughter is six months old and we have had to supplement here and there with formula for a while – more now that she needs more and I’m back at work. The first few weeks were shear hell. The cracked, bleeding nipples, the mastasis, the freaking nipple shield! I wanted to give up so badly. Luckily, my pediatrician had a couple awesome lactation consultants and I found a great support group at Middlesex Hospital – Beth, you rock! I was so lucky to have people that told me that what was right for you was what got you thought the day, not what anyone else said. The hardcore “breast is best” advocates really make people feel guilty if they’re not ebf, which is a huge mistake. Some mothers just don’t feel the joy/bonding/ecstasy of breast feeding like some do (where are these women, anyway??) and we shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it. I plan to keep going as long as I can, but I don’t feel guilty about giving my daughter formula. I’ve done the best that I can without loosing my mind 🙂
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To answer your question, I’m one of those “joy/bonding/ecstasy” women. But understand that just because I do enjoy breastfeeding and was able to do it, it doesn’t equate to putting other women down for not being able to do it, or not enjoying it. I think we need to be careful here and not make this an either/or dichotomy. It is possible for me to like breastfeeding but also respect and understand people’s reasons for not doing so … because I do this IRL, with my friends.
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I agree Mel, I don’t think that Cassie was anything negative about moms that do breastfeed and enjoy it though. I love that all the comments here, so far anyways, are about moms making the best decisions for themselves and trying to not judge what other people do. Thanks for taking the time to point out that it’s not a me against them kind of thing. We are all in this lovely thing called parenthood (and life!) together!
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Just representin’. 😛 Also, being unemployed at the moment, I suddenly have way too much free time. Haha, jk. But I should really work on my post for tomorrow instead of hanging around the comments …
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Great post! IMO, you have to do what works best and makes everyone happy.
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Bravo, Cora!! Thank you for writing this – especially “I applaud those of you who push through and respect your decision. But please in turn respect mine.” It’s one of the worst mommy wars out there, in my opinion. But I agree that breast isn’t always best — for mama or baby.
From the first time my daughter latched, my nipples were bleeding. I had many visits with a lactation consultant, both in the hospital and after we were released. I pumped from day 1, tried finger feeding, used an SNS, nipple shields…you name it. It was beyond painful, stressful, and demoralizing. I just kept thinking — Why can’t I do this right? What is wrong with me? I’m supposed to love this experience, when all it does is make me resent the baby because it is such an agonizing experience… And then came the yeast infection in my nipples and mastitis. That was it.
In some respects, “quitting” was a difficult decision, in others it was simple – I hated every nursing session, and I was so much more at peace after switching to formula. Sorry to be long-winded, but I applaud your honesty, and stand with you. While in an ideal world, breast milk is “best” for baby, breastfeeding is not the glamorous, amazing, peaceful experience it is often made out to be, and moms should be allowed (and respected) to make the decision that is best for themselves as well as the whole family.
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Excellent post with great honesty. I, too, tried my absolute best to breast feed my twins, enlisting the suppport of two different lactation consultants and too many books to count. It simply did not work for us. And that’s an understatement. it was a horrible, stressful experience for all of us and I ended up pumping diligently for exactly one month until the lactation consultants gently recommended that for our family, breast would not be best, and we should move onto formula. That “permission” was the best advice I received and quality of life dramatically improved for all four of us (twins, DH and me) once we accepted formula. Despite the experts recommending formula for us, I still received many snarky and hurtful comments from strangers and friends alike for the first year of my kiddos’ lives. I wish people would just be more supportive of whatever decisions parents make for their families. I’m really convinced that at the end of the day, all that matters is that the children are well nourished by some means, and the family is loving to one another and parents/children are bonding.
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Thank you for writing about this. I put myself through allot of anguish concerning breast feeding. I was mentally beating myself up for the difficulties that I was experiencing. It is nice to here that other women have experienced problems with breast feeding as well.
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THANK YOU FOR THIS! With my first, I wanted to try breastfeeding. Key word there it “try”. I knew it didn’t work out for a lot of people and didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have them ripped to shreds while trying to enjoy being a new mom. I was very clear with the nurses at the hospital and the one that was assigned to me the day I gave birth seemed understanding and I thought I was in the clear.
Boy was I wrong… this “nurse” (and I use the term loosely because I think she should have nothing to do with anything in the medical field) wrote in my chart that I stated I wanted no formula near my child and was adamant on breast feeding. So through the night, I tried, for hours, thinking I was doing the right thing. I also pumped every second that my child was not in my arms. Nothing. Had a lactation consultant see me the next morning and said I was doing everything right and that my son was getting the nutrition he needed. The “nurse” was my nurse again.. and refused to provide me with formula on day 2 of my son being alive. We were reaching the 24 hour mark and I was sure he had nothing but maybe a mL of colostrum. I begged for formula. I begged my nurse, and the pediatrician in the nursery. No one would give me some to feed my son. My husband had to go to the store to get formula that day. My son drank 4 oz and slept for the first time in his life! And he slept for 6 hours! He was starving and what I thought was the right thing was not. I was so absurdly angry and I was made out to be a failure.
Low and behold, I found out some time later that sufferers of PCOS (like myself) often have issues with milk supply. My milk never came in. And of course.. when it came time for me to have #2.. and I stated I was formula feeding (even with the explanation of PCOS and my previous experience), I was pushed about the breastfeeding my entire hospital stay of 4 days. Talking about making a new mom feel like crap!
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Love this post – and a very important message. There was a great article written by Galit Breen back in January on the same topic – it was posted on Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/galit-breen/maternal-mental-health_b_2449793.html
People need to realize that what works for them might not work for you and that it is completely unfair to judge someone because they have chosen a path that is different than theirs. There are many ways to skin a cat – in the end, we are all moms and we just really want our kids to be healthy and happy. How they get there is no one’s business.
Thanks for the great post.
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Thanks you so much for writing this. I had a traumatic birth experience which led me into a spiral of post partum anxiety. I remember trying to breast feed and just crying and crying. I am so lucky because my lactation consultant told me that my mental healhpth was more important than breast feeding. Then my family supported me too and I switched to formula, which honestly saved my sanity and helped me heal emotionally and physically from the birth. Moms should do what feels right to them, it’s a personal choice and we should all support that. Thanks again.
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I’m sorry you had that experience, Cora. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since becoming a mom, it’s not to judge other moms so much. We all have things that we *want* to do or ways that we *want* to be as moms, but if that doesn’t work out for whatever reason, we shouldn’t be judged or criticized by anyone, especially other moms. It sucks that we have to be given permission to do what feels right for our kids but I wish someone had given you this permission to stop trying to breastfeed while you were going through it. 😦
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Thanks so much for putting this post out there – I know it took a lot of guts. The ‘Breast is Best’ culture is so dominating that I’ve felt guilt about my kids not having been breastfed and I’m an ADOPTIVE MOM.
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Amen! Everyone makes you feel so guilty for not breastfeeding nowadays. It’s crazy! I tried breastfeeding my son, and I was one of the few where my milk never came in. My son ended up becoming dehydrated and lost 10% of his weight in less than 12 hours of being home. His skull was sunken, etc. I raised concerns at the hospital, and they made a big deal about formula. I ended up sticking to my guns and fed him using a tube and syringe taped to my finger. I met with a lactation specialist and pumped every 15 minutes of the day/night for two weeks and nothing ever came out. I’m am truly grateful for my pediatrician and obgyn that said that breastfeeding isn’t always best or even possible. My pediatrician said, “it’s not the end of the world honey, millions of children use formula daily and they are extremely healthy.” My Ob said my milk not coming in was probably a blessing, as I could tend to healing my 4th degree tear and not stress about feeding. They were both right. My 17 month son is as healthy as can be… Not even a cold. I was also raised on formula, so it’s not the poison people make it out to be. My friend recently had a baby, and she said I was the only one that even mentioned formula okay to use. These “breast is best” ads have to go, all they do is make great mothers feel like failures when they can’t breastfeed. Thank you for this article!
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Christina, I had a smiliar milk problem with my second baby. I had to have some surgery two years prior and it damaged my milk ducts. I really just needed someone to tell me it was o.k. that I could not breast feed him and that formula was going to be alright. I have two children neither of whom breast fed for long. The first 6 weeks, the second I supplmented for three months only after crying and him losing a lot of weight too. Thank God for my pediatrician and ob who told me the same things. The other Mom’s from my mom’s group who were breast feeding also helped a great deal they were wonderful support system. I make sure to tell other mom’s who might be having a difficult time that it is alright to not breast feed and you are the only one who can make that decision for yourself and your baby. Taking care of yourself is the best thing for that newborn.
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I breastfed our daughter until she weaned shortly after her 2nd birthday. She has an upper lip tie that wasn’t diagnosed until she was 17 months old and went to the dentist for the first time – the dentist saw it immediately and was surprised I’d been able to breastfeed at all, much less without supplementation. The early months were very hard, because the lip tie caused a persistent shallow latch and slow milk transfer. In her first month I had severe abrasions that wouldn’t heal, mastitis, and thrush. I was actively nursing for half of the hours in the day. The pediatrician and lactation consultants all said she’d outgrow the shallow latch – she never did. At 6+ months when my friends’ babies could nurse and be done in 5 minutes it was still taking us 15-20 or longer to get through a feeding. I actually think that pumping at work helped me keep going, because for the 10 hours that I was at work I didn’t HAVE to actually nurse!
I’m a firm believer in every mother making the decision that’s best for her and her baby. Yes, most women can successfully breastfeed if given appropriate support and resources, but there are cases where either mom or baby cannot due to medical or mental health reasons or simply because mom doesn’t want to. That’s totally fine and thankfully we live in a time and place where there’s a safe and nutritious alternative in formula. I would never be mean to a mom feeding formula; several of my friends have supplemented or switched to formula entirely and it’s THEIR choice – not mine. I made the choice that was right for me and my baby, and those moms made the right choice for themselves and for their babies. There are still societal barriers to breastfeeding and lack of support in many cases, but the die-hard lactivists do no one any favors when they make moms feel bad for their decisions.
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Yes! I loved this. Also, I wish the hospital hadn’t made me feel like the worst person in the WORLD when I wanted to supplement (at my doctor’s recommendation!!). My 2nd son was very jaundiced, and I knew my milk might not come in for awhile (I’d nursed my first and the milk finally came in on day 3), but with jaundice, you have to hydrate to eliminate the bilirubin from the baby’s system. The pediatrician suggested that supplementing, with pumping at every feeding, would be a good option so we didn’t get stuck in the hospital with a jaundiced baby for longer than necessary. I asked the nurse for a bottle of formula, and she literally acted as if I asked for arsenic. She gasped, told me to feed formula in a supplemental nursing system (string taped to my boob) which was the most uncomfortable thing ever, then brought the bottle but said “I REFUSE to put that bottle in his mouth for you. YOU will have to do that.” and stormed out. She barely came back to check on us again that night (and my son was screaming in the UV light bed for HOURS AND HOURS). I actually wrote a letter to the hospital about it. And the nuts part is…I ended up still nursing and did so for 18 months. I really, really think that if the mother is stressed and miserable and in pain with nursing…then do what works!
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Thank you so much for this post. I wish I had it when I was crying on the phone because my husband had to go out and buy formula. I had problems with both of my boys and breast feeding them. The first would fall sound asleep and could not wake to finish at the breast. The second could not get full after finger feeding and pumping and some great women in my new Mom’s group helped me understand that I have to do what is right for our family and my own mental health. Overcoming the breast feeding pushers and judges is difficult but we all need to remember that we are all mothers who love our babies! Thank you so much and from a Mom who tried to breast feed her babies I know how hard it all is with one baby then two. Thank you a million times for this!!!!!
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I’m a firm believer that whatever works for you and your young one you need to do. I did breastfeed but was lucky that the women around me including my mother told me how difficult it can be. I was also around mothers who formula fed and luckily we all agreed that as long as our child is eating we are good mothers. I think the decision should be what works for your family and people need to keep there mouth shut if it is not your child. Great Post!!!!
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and great post!
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I can relate. With my first son, I had minimal breastfeeding problems and managed to get a good 5 months in (then work began again and my milk supply went away with my maternity leave). I was so ready to go with my second. I had done it before, and was actually excited because I felt like with all the experience I had, I was going to be a pro. Not the case. From day 3, my son became fussy at the breast. This eventually led to screaming at each and every feeding a few short days later. We even ended up in the ER because he was crying so much and would not eat. Stubborn me, did not want to give up. My mind set was that I was supposed to be a pro at this. He was diagnosed with acid reflux at 10 days old and began medication, which didn’t help. We switched medication. That didn’t help either. I kept pushing it. I eliminated foods. No luck. I had to give in. It hurt me to give it up, at first. Then I thought about it and came to the same conclusion as you. Breast is not always best. I had awesome breast feeding supporters, but I had people telling me that I needed to do what was best for him and that was get food in him. It didn’t matter what kind of food it was. He was over a month old at this point and still at his birth weight (if that). He was on the edge of being diagnosed with Failure to Thrive. Once I came to terms with the change in diet (well after starting him on formula), things started looking somewhat brighter (at least in the feeding area). Looking back now, I realize that because I didn’t know that my son had a rare neuro-genetic disorder that caused all these issues, it wasn’t my fault. What is best for your child is giving your child what he or she needs to survive. I am still a supporter of breastfeeding, but I now understand that it doesn’t matter what your child eats as long as they are as healthy as they can be.
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