Healing My Relationship with My Mom

16 comments

While my mom and I have a good relationship now, it hasn’t always been that way. For reasons I won’t go into in-depth, we have butted heads for as long as I can remember. We would go through periods of time where our relationship would be wonderful, and then we would go through periods where we didn’t talk to each other very much. This was the case as a teen and for most of my 20’s.

You see, I’m one of 4 kids – I have two sisters and a brother. I fall in the middle of the girls and 3rd overall. Growing up my mom worked full-time in retail and as she says, didn’t get much help from my dad. On top of the general craziness of having 4 kids and working, all of my siblings except for me required more attention because of either chronic physical illnesses or learning disabilities. I was always the one no one had to worry about but kids want to be worried about. I wanted to be thought of as much as my siblings and because I wasn’t, I developed a lot of anger towards both my parents, but for some reason, mostly towards my mom.

Now that I’m older and am a mom myself, I’m able to look back at my childhood with a sense of healing. My mom had it tough and it’s impossible to really see that when you’re a kid/teenager. I only have one toddler and can’t imagine how tiring it must be to have 4 kids, especially while also working a full-time job. I can’t imagine what it was like for her to have her youngest child become sick at the age of 7 and need her first of many surgeries at the age of 13. I can’t imagine what it was like for her to also have to advocate for her two other children to ensure that they got the extra attention they needed in school. I can understand why she didn’t need to think of me as much as them, and I’m OK with it. I get it now.

It’s taken a lot of work on my part to get to this point including many months’ meditation classes. As I’ve really begun to understand the dangers of anger and the importance of letting go, living more in the now, and really accepting and loving people for who they are, I have a much better relationship with her. We talk to each other several times a week, skype at least once a week so my daughter can see her Mimi and our relationship is more stable than ever.

Being able to heal my relationship with my mom has healed a wound that’s been open since childhood. I am so grateful to have my mom in my life and am endlessly thankful that she is an incredible grandmother to my child. Mom – I know you are reading this and so I want you to know how much I love you, that I understand and I’m not angry anymore.

My mom and my daugther. Sweet snuggles.
My mom and my daughter. Sweet snuggles.

This is the first post in a Mother’s Day themed series. Next week my fellow CTWM’s bloggers will write about their moms or a woman in their life that’s important to them. Stay tuned.

16 comments on “Healing My Relationship with My Mom”

  1. Michelle, this was really powerful. I am very interested in the effects on the child without special needs in the family, when so much attention has to be focused on the other child(ren). Both of my husbands had this situation in their families of origin and it affected them deeply, but in a way that they bottled it up for years and denied they felt bad about it, because the family rule was that no one is to blame the poor ill child, no matter what. So they grew up resenting all the attention paid to the other child AND feeling guilty about that, to boot! Such a sad situation. Are you aware of any books on this subject? I have been looking but with no luck. I want to add that it’s a great achievement to forgive and release the anger, but at the same time, your hurt was real and should not be dismissed in order to get to a peaceful place. In other words, forgiveness and acknowledgement of genuine pain are not mutually exclusive.

  2. Michelle- i am so glad to have you share this important part of your life. I hope this has helped you heal, and grow as a mom to another beautiful girl.

  3. Michelle…WOW, what a wonderful piece you wrote. You got me all emotional towards the end too! (But in a nice way).

  4. This is beautiful. I don’t think we can fully appreciate what it takes to raise children and be mothers until we become one ourselves.

  5. Michelle, without knowing your mom, I have to imagine that it wasn’t that she didn’t think or worry about you. I have one child with special needs and one without and I think about and worry about the second just as much as the first. I know I don’t spend as much time with him as I do with his brother. I know that his brother gets more attention from us, his grandparents, doctors, teachers etc. because he needs it just to get by. But I worry about the impact that has on Ben, on how he thinks about me and his brother. I desperately try to figure out how to fit it all in and spend one on one time with him and constantly wonder how Ben feels about it all. So I would venture to guess that your mom did think about you and worry about you and love you and care about you just as much as your siblings. And it’s even possible she thanked her lucky stars that you were just a little bit easier.

  6. Great post. The dynamics of a parentchild relationship do change over the years. Your mother loves you and did the best she could. Forgiveness is fabulous.

  7. Michelle, forgiveness is so powerful and empowering. I am so glad you have gotten to this point with your Mother. ❤

  8. That last line made me tear up. And such a beautiful picture too. You are wonderful, Dear Sister.

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