It’s not a great day for me. I’m dreading a confrontational meeting tomorrow. So I am going to purge all of my hateful feelings in an effort to cleanse my psyche.
1. Slugs: why do they exist? All they do is eat the plants in my garden before they get a chance to grow. They don’t pollinate like the otherwise obnoxious bee. They don’t aerate the soil like earthworms. The universal remedy for slug infestation is to put out a saucer of beer, which supposedly they can’t resist, and into which they dive and then drown. My slugs do not like beer. I have tried cheap beer and imported beer, and they say, “No thanks, I prefer dahlias and pansies.” I think the world could do just fine without slugs.
2. Gratuitous titles: as an attorney, I am required to call judges “Your Honor.” It’s automatic by now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s stupid. If I were a judge, I would insist that everyone in my courtroom call me Randi. The best is when I have to write a letter to a judge, saying something like this: “At the close of today’s hearing, Your Honor stated that the record was closed. I wish to bring to Your Honor’s attention that Your Honor agreed, during the hearing, to leave the record open for two weeks in order for me to get more information to Your Honor about the claimant’s recent medical treatment. I am respectfully asking Your Honor to note in the record that Your Honor agreed to hold the record open, and also asking Your Honor to confirm that Your Honor has done this in a letter to me from Your Honor.”
3. Expectations: I have opined about this before. Expectations are big trouble. Today the husband said, “You didn’t ask me how my toe was feeling.” WHAT? He said his toe hurt last night. I massaged said toe. I didn’t realize a follow up visit was required. “Oh, well, that was the worst pain I ever felt in my life, so I thought you would want to know it was better.” Well, first of all, I doubt that was the worst pain you ever felt in your life, although I realize you have never endured childbirth. Secondly, just REPORT to me. Don’t wait for me to ask. You’re lucky I remember your name, much less the state of your toe.
4. Overly friendly people and their wily tricks: I am an introvert, and I treasure my alone time. I don’t appreciate it when some extrovert contacts me and asks, “Are you doing anything this weekend?” TRAPPED! My choice is to quickly make up something compelling — “Uh, yes, I was planning to knit beanies for premature babies in Africa all weekend” — or risk being forced to meet up with the extrovert and spend a boring evening hearing about his life. Why can’t they say, “Do you have time to do something this weekend?” or “Do you feel like doing something?” or “Would this be a good weekend for us to get together?” They can’t, because they are extroverts and they assume EVERYONE wants to be doing something with other people at all times. I am unable to comfortably answer with the truth: “I am doing NOTHING, just the way I like it.”
6. Heat: I don’t do well in the hot weather. Needless to say, my mood has not been stellar of late, despite air conditioning almost everywhere I go. Sometimes there isn’t enough air conditioning in the world to satisfy me. I work next to a vegetarian who is always cold (because he is a vegetarian, in my opinion. He needs some MEAT to provide inner warmth). He has been wearing sweaters these past few weeks and insists that the a/c at work must be at 72 degrees. I am shvitzing. I have two fans going in my office. I’m drinking iced tea by the keg. And it’s not even summer yet.
7. Taylor Swift: I can’t express how much I loathe this person. The songs she writes are terrible. Her voice is mediocre. She pretends to be Miss Innocent Wide-Eyed Country Gal while swiving every man in sight. She inexplicably wins awards by the truckload (seriously, EIGHT Billboard Awards just last week?) – so many that there is an entire Wikipedia entry devoted to listing all of them:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_awards_and_nominations_received_by_Taylor_Swift
I thought I hated Katie Perry and Miley Cyrus, but they are Lennon and McCartney when compared to T.S.
And here is the ultimate insult:
http://www.theboot.com/2013/06/03/taylor-swift-rolling-stones-chicago/
Even though Mick & Co. are old enough to be Tay-Tay’s grandpas, it’s still a complete travesty that she should perform in the same universe, much less on the same stage, with them. I am nauseous.
Don’t bother defending her, or telling me your children adore her. I know the truth.
I’ve only just begun to purge! But I feel better already. Thanks for listening.
CT Working Moms 
Can’t stop laughing! I would like to add ticks to the list of things the world could live without. I’m sure the birds and other insects that feed on them can find other sources of nourishment.
LikeLike
Oh Randi, you’re just so good, even when you’re angry. I personally find the angry rant very theraputic. It gets it all out and then you can move on. Hopefully the rest of your week improved. I too had an extremely contentious meeting this week and I still don’t think I’ve totally recovered from it, probably bc it left me with MORE WORK.
LikeLike
I also refer to them as “fucking slugs”! In fact, I don’t think I can say the word “slugs” without that adjective attached. Same with fucking squirrels. They drive my dogs insane and are really just rats with bushy tails. But the slugs plague me to the point where I get paranoid and take their visits quite personally. This year we have a honking big bunny in the garden, plus the return of the dreaded woodchuck, complete with progeny, so it’s hard to know which creature to blame for the shredding of my flowers. I have scented dryer sheets festooned on the plants — that worked last year. I’m not giving up, even though the slugs outnumber me.
LikeLike
My husband’s grandfather always called squirrels “tree rats”. “Damn tree rats” more accurately.
LikeLike
And btw? Fucking slugs. Hate ’em.
LikeLike
This is the best post in the history of posts. I can’t stop reading it. The one about your response to your husband whining about his toe? CLASSIC. EPIC, even. I think you should write a weekly column where you just rant about stuff you hate. I’m going to start calling you Randi Rooney. Once again, you are my hero.
LikeLike
Thank you, Jen, but you are the champion humorist in this bunch, in my opinion. I do love a good purging rant. At work they call my emails “Randi Rants.” Don’t know if I could sustain it over 60 years like the late Andy Rooney, though — he was the king.
LikeLike
Randi, your hate rocks! (I’m quite sure I’ve NEVER uttered that sentence before.) I can’t even pick out my favorite, though I KNOW I agree with what you said about Tay Tay. Btw, my 8 year LOVES slugs…I don’t know why…but perhaps they were put in this planet for him…and now I know that they supposedly have an affinity for beer, I hold a little more respect for them myself. 😉 GREAT post! Just LOVED it! (and yes, may you be surprised and delighted by your meeting going better than you expected. If you’re in the mood for a little woo-woo, I will often imagine a round-table discussion the night before, with all the people involved and talk to their higher selves. I find their higher selves aren’t quite the assholes that the people themselves can be AND this sort of practice always improves the outcome of the actual discussion. GOOD LUCK!)
LikeLike
I am thrilled your son likes slugs! It helps me feel they have a purpose. Please ask him to elaborate on their positive attributes. I have an open mind.
LikeLike
I am dying over this. I’m sorry you’re feeling hateful, but I LOVE this post!
LikeLike
Thank you! Unfortunately, I find hate really energizing.
LikeLike
Hilarious! And a BIG high five to #4!
LikeLike
Thanks, Elise. I would suggest we introverts form a support group, but none of us would ever show up!
LikeLike
Randi even when you are feeling hateful you are still so f*cking funny! I hate the heat and am totally there with you. I am so, so happy in air conditioning. I inherited my dad’s sweating gene and melt right away when I get even remotely warm. Hoping things go better than expected at your meeting!
LikeLike
Thanks, Michelle. And you’re a vegetarian, right? I am happy to know not all vegetarians are freezing like my skinny work friend. Didn’t that strap-on air conditioner look appealing? I have a large collection of neck things that cool me — it’s true that if you cool your neck, the rest will follow.
LikeLike
You’re so funny. I hope that vent was therapeutic!! I HATE slugs!!! The worst is when you accidentally squash them and it leaves a shiny, slimy trail EVERYWHERE. YUCK!
LikeLike
My sons would pour salt in a circle around a slug and call it the Circle of Death, because whichever way the slug moved, it was headed for its demise. As much as I tried to teach them kindness to all living things, I could not make a case for saving the slugs.
Yes, the vent really helped! Thanks!
LikeLike