If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle…


RANT ALERT (If you’re sick of my ranting, please move on to another post without reading…)!!!

I’m writing this after just having come back from the ladies’ restroom where I sat (gasp!) on the toilet seat and ended up with a bottomful of someone else’s pee. This isn’t a random public restroom (although I won’t say where it is); it’s a semi-private restroom where the patrons using it are limited. NORMALLY here, I’d wipe down the seat and line it with paper before sitting (because at 5-ft tall, squatting usually means I end up peeing everywhere) but for whatever reason, I just pulled up my dress, pulled down my undies and sat, only moments later realizing the mistake that I had made.


I’ve never been so acutely aware at how nasty some ladies’ restrooms are until I had a child – now two children – who are potty trained and using the same facilities that I do. Unlike me, they don’t have the option of squatting if the facility is super nasty – they have to SIT (or Mommy needs to get creative).

I’d be willing to bet that some women’s restrooms are nastier than men’s restrooms (either that, or I am SUPER scared to see what a guy’s restroom is like). I’m not talking just toilets; I’m talking about anything washroom related. I’ve seen used paper towels on the floor, dirty diapers on the counters, unflushed used tampons, soiled sanitary napkins (ON TOP of the toilet paper roll), and food chunks in the sinks. Granted, most of these sightings were in high traffic restrooms (train stations, airports) but all of these things could’ve been avoided if the offenders took two extra seconds to ensure that they left the facilities in acceptable condition before leaving. What’s the rush? Free public facilities are a luxury, not a right. In some countries, you have to pay to use toilet facilities.

Now that we’ve covered the non-toilet portion of the washroom, let’s talk toilets.

How many times have you gone into a ladies’ restroom toilet stall to find the floor wet? Maybe it’s water, or maybe it’s pee from a squatter with awful aim. Or how many times have you gone in there to find both wet AND dried pee spattered all over the toilet seat? Or worse, the aftereffects of someone whose butt exploded after eating bad sushi. I’ve even seen red smears (you know what that is!!) where someone either didn’t realize that they smeared or didn’t care.

When it comes to my kids, I keep antibacterial wipes and paper seat liners in my bag. I usually walk into the stall, scream “DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!!” and wipe the entire toilet seat and bowl/rim with the wipes. I then line it with paper and plop my kid on top. Also, with a boy who sits when he pees, the only way to prevent him from peeing all over himself is to have him lean forward and grasp the toilet seat in front of him, so I want to make sure that every surface his fingers come in contact with are wiped down.

But sometimes, you don’t have the luxury of being so meticulous about pre-cleaning. My worst potty experience happened when we were pretty far from a toilet when my girl announced that she had to go potty. We scrambled around until we found one, but by that time, she had to go so badly that she was actually crying. I took her into the only stall that was open only to discover WHY that stall wasn’t occupied…someone had sh*t their entire lunch out all over the toilet seat and worse, it was fairly wet and fresh. By this time, she was sobbing because her bladder was on fire, and despite my assuring her it was OK, she refused to wet her pants. I quickly wiped down as much as I could with dry paper (because the freaking wet wipes were buried deep inside my bag) while she did the frantic pee-pee dance. The stupid paper liners wouldn’t stay on the seat so in a moment of desperation, I picked her up and placed my forearms under her legs so that my arms and not her butt came in contact with the toilet seat. I emerged from there not only with her pee on my shirt because her angling was weird, but also with dirty forearms. I wanted to go home, strip down, and scrub myself with bleach.

I’ll admit that I’m totally neurotic and OCD about toilets and maybe I just need to chill out, let my kids sit, and then go scrub their butts once they’re home, but be honest…would you have let your 2 year old daughter sit on a sh*t-splattered toilet in a moment of desperation??

15 comments on “If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle…”

  1. Ugh! I hate using public toilets with my kids. I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. The one year old uses the potty too, but recently really likes to touch every single part of them!!! My daughter has always done good, keeps her hands to herself, but gross, I’m so disgusted every time. I have a , well, possibly gross habit of allowing my kid to pee outside a lot. We live in the country and it takes quite awhile to get places. If she’s gotta go, she’s gotta go and let’s face it, it is often times much cleaner than the toilets where we will be at.

    1. SO TRUE. My husband showed my boy just yesterday how to “water the grass”. Thankfully, it just confused him as to why he was standing instead of sitting – and while hubby thinks it will be more convenient, I am waiting for it to all click with my boy, resulting in a note home from daycare (for peeing on the playground!).

  2. Well having been in many men’s bathrooms (yes, if there is a line for the women’s room, I never hesitate to use the men’s room) they are WAY grosser! WAAAYYY grosser! And isn’t THAT scary?! Being a mom to 3 boys (and sitting on pee way too often) I find it’s MY job to tell them how to pee properly without leaving pee on or around the toilet! (And yes, even though this post was funny it was so gross I couldn’t read every word without gagging, lol!)

    1. I know – I kept thinking “maybe I need to put a ‘warning-don’t eat while reading’ warning on it!!!!” Haha.

      YUCK. Nasty thought to think that the guys’ loos are worse than ladies. THAT is NAS-TAY!

  3. Gross! I am definitely less OCD than you are – I let her sit with just a visual glance or a dry wipe down of the seat – but I would not let her sit on a poop covered toilet. In truly desperate situations, I have had her climb up and squat while I try to angle her and balance her.

    1. My friend does that! She says she has her kid sometimes put her feet on her (my friend’s) thighs and she basically holds her over the toilet – it sounds like a gymnastics move! She said that pretty much 99% of the time that she does that, she ends up covered in pee.

  4. I loved pay toilets when I traveled in Europe. I would gladly pay a couple bucks to sit on a clean seat!

    1. I agree! I can’t remember where this was (Asia or Europe) where all the surfaces are hard plastic and pretty much the entire toilet gets a full washdown after you’re done…like an automatic carwash!!

      Some airports (Chicago O’Hare) have those plastic seat covers that you just push the button and the seat cover moves. THOSE are awesome. I’d pay money for that anytime.

  5. Oh my gosh this post is both disgusting and hilarious at the same time! I have to say, the bathrooms where I work are vile. Like so so gross. I agree, I think women’s bathrooms are probably dirtier than mens bathrooms. I even put up signs in the stalls that say “Please be respectful of others and make sure the seat is clean and the toilet is flushed before leaving.” I had to try but of course, it did nothing. I don’t get why people don’t flush. Or leave other gross things that impact other people’s ability to use the bathroom in a cleanly way. I’m there with you on this. I just don’t get it.

    1. The flush thing, I just don’t get! How hard is it to lean over and either push a button or stomp on a flusher with your foot?! I suppose it’s too much to ask people to wait until the first flush goes down to make sure it ALL goes down??!!! YUCK!

  6. I’m sorry, but I laughed out loud when reading this! It’s true, public bathrooms are vile. I love your sense of humor!

    1. Haha, – if you can’t laugh at yourself, who else can?!

      My good friend told me once that once the kids become potty trained, you QUICKLY learn where every single potty in town is, and more than that, you quickly learn where every CLEAN potty is in town. My go-to place when I’m in the local center of town is the children’s section of the library – they have toddler sized potties and they’re always clean. It’s the small things, ya know?!

  7. So I have NO idea what moms of girls do, but with Nate, when he was 2 and a half and needed to potty in public restrooms, we did something we called “flying in the air pee pee” where he would effectively stand to pee, but I’d hold him up so he was tall enough to reach. That was the only way because the holding the seat grossed me out way too much hahaha. The WORST was, however, that Josh was a newborn at the time in the front carrier…so I’d have a baby strapped to me and be hovering a 30 pound child in front of me with my arms out straight. Awful! I have always wondered what the heck moms of girls do- it must be infinitely harder!

    1. OMGGGGGG! Having a kid strapped TO you while holding your other kid?! I’d be DRENCHED in sweat if I had to do that!!!

      I have a friend who brings her potty insert with her so that at least her girl sits on the potty insert, but then you have to deal with carrying a dirty insert around with you all day until you can get home to clean it.

      Bahhhhhhhh!!! I think I might want to go back to diapers!!!!

      1. Hahahahahahaha I clearly remember thinking “WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIIIIIFE??” at that moment hahahaha. Omg. Yea, the insert seems like a pain..but neater…but the carrying- ugh. I have no idea! I guess I lucked out with the flying in the air pee pee we do here (well THEY do hahaha). 🙂

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