One of the dangers of having two three year olds is that they now talk, and BOY…do they TALK. There are no longer any secrets because what happens behind closed doors is now aired out for all to hear, courtesy of the little chatterboxes. I thought I’d share a few here, and would love to hear what your kids have let slip out in public, much to your horror. These are all real exchanges that I or my husband have had with our kids.

At Dinnertime:

• Dad – Eat your “growing food” first; then you can have dessert.
• Toddler A – How come Mama eats dessert first?

Silent But Deadly:

• My Dad, getting into car – It smells in here. Do one of the kids have to poop?
• Dad – Maybe. [A] has been complaining of a stomach-ache
• Todder A – I no have tummy-ache, Daddy. You farted.

The Tortoise and the Hare:

• Mom – We’re going running in the stroller.
• Toddler B – I no want to go running.
• Mom – Why not?
• Toddler B – It take too long.
• Toddler A – Yeah, you too slow.

To the Teacher:

• Toddler A – Ms. P, Ms. P, I learned a new word!!
• Ms. P – What’s that?
• Toddler A – F*CK!!!!
• Ms. P – Oh, my. We don’t say that in this classroom.
• Toddler A – Mommy said it in the car. F*CK! F*CK! F*CK! F*CK! F*CK! F*CK! Quack, Quack!

Trick or Treat:

• Dad – Don’t tell Mommy that I gave you candy.
• (Mom walks in to room)
• Toddler B (proudly) – Mommy! Guess what?? I ate candy.
• Mom – Where’d you get candy from?
• Toddler B – Daddy gave it to me. Daddy say, “Don’t tell Mommy…”
• (silence)
• Toddler B – Uh oh…

The Facts of Life:

• Toddler A – Mama, Mama. I pull my wee wee; it gets bigger!
• Mom – Sweetie, you can touch your wee wee but only at home.
• Toddler A – But, but, but…it feels so good.

(On another occasion, stating the obvious):

• Toddler B to Teacher – Mommy has a big butt. Daddy has a small butt.

You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hounddog:

• (At our last vacation, we went swimming in the hotel pool. Little A was SO anxious to go see a bunch of girls who were in the pool together; probably about early college age. I took him over to say hello…)
• Girls – Hi! What’s your name?
• Toddler A – [A]
• Girls – Awww…you’re so cute!
• Toddler A – You have pretty boobies, just like Mommy
• (Mom is mortified; the girls think it’s adorable and spend the next 10 minutes pretty much passing him around between them. Little A has a goofy grin on his face)
• Dad (after the fact) – THAT’S MY BOY!!!!!

The Little White Lie:

• Mom (to Mom in Law, politely refusing a dish) – No, thank you. I’m not hungry
• Toddler B (to Grandma / my MIL) – Mommy says you no know how to cook.

Another Little White Lie:

• Mom (walking into kitchen) – Wow. Everyone finished the meatloaf. Do you want more?
• Dad – No, thanks.
• Toddler A – Hunter [the dog] wants more
• Mom – Hunter?
• Toddler A – Yeah, Daddy gave his meatloaf to Hunter